Long Overdue Update!!!

Wow....over a year since I last updated....Lets see if I can update all in one post....lol

February 2013: John and I purchased a new car! We traded in the GMC Envoy for a 2013 Kia Rio. I was worried about the size difference, but now a year later I can say it really isn't a problem. Plus, we are saving money on the payment and gas!!

The new car!!!\

I turned 34, which was a huge deal.

March 2013: Jocelynn tried Karate! She seemed to really like the first 2 classes, but then decided that it wasn't fer her. It was an expensive adventure, but if she had wanted to do it then I would have supported her.

The end of March saw the ending of a era....at least for me. I left my job at the shelter. After 9 years I had enough and decided it was time. To this day I miss the people I worked with (not management) and all the animals, but it was the correct decision of my sanity and to save John and I's marriage!

April 2013: I was able to get a new job as a receptionist with a local eye doctor. I really enjoyed it at first, but then I was asked to do things I was morally comfortable doing so I left that job at the end of August.

My Handsome Nephew, Gage Robert, turned 2!

Can't believe he is 2!

May 2013: May brought the nice weather and that chance to get outside!

I along with my sister-in-law and a friend were able to see one of my favorite bands in concert ~ NEEDTOBREATHE at the House of Blues in Boston! I can say it was amazing and I can't wait to go see them again!

NEEDTOBREATHE!

Jocelynn had her first dance recital! What a proud mommy moment! She was fantastic and seemed to really enjoy dancing on stage!

All dressed up for recital!

Jocleynn is the 6th from the left

Memorial day weekend we were able to make our first trip to the beach! What a refreshing day out in the sun near the water. I swear we are all happier when we are in the sun on the beach (even when the water is to cold to do more then dip your feet in for a few minutes!).

My favorite shot from our first beach trip!

June 2013: Happy Anniversary!!!! John and I celebrated 11 years of marriage. Man it went by fast!

We also were able to visit friends while they were camping and had a blast!

Jocelynn and her friend Zach!

He really loved her!

Jocelynn "graduated" from the 1st grade! My baby is growing up way too fast!

July 2013: Sun and Heat!!!! It was lovely!

In July we were able to get out, enjoy the pool and go camping!

My favorite picture of the rug rats in the pool!

We also found out that Jocelynn has a dairy intolerance. She is not completely lactose intolerant, but can only have a limited amount of dairy at a time. We have stared giving her almond milk and she really enjoys it. In fact she will drink the almond milk much easier then I could get her to drink the regular milk, so that is a bonus. I have changed out eating habits to modify for less dairy, or make a substitute for her. Most of the time she can not tell of the substitute, but every once in a while it is awful! It is a learning curve and I will keep moving forward with it! I hate seeing my baby in pain with the awful stomach cramps!

August 2013: Happy Birthday John!!! John turned 36. The love of my life is getting old...lol. I tease him I am going to trade him in for two 18 year olds, but he knows better!

I left the job at the eye doctor for moral reasons!

September 2013: Jocelynn started the 2nd grade......*sigh*

As a result of the issues from the eye doctor job, I was having severe anxiety attacks. I decided to go to the Dr. I was tired of the lack of motivation and wanting to sleep more then be awake. What was my diagnosis? Severe Depression....WHAT!?!?!?  I started a medication routine that consisted at first on 10mg of Citalopram and 3000 iu of Vitamin D3. I did have to up the Citalopram to 20mg once a day, and that seems to be a good dose for me. I go back in June of 2014 for a med check.

At the end of the month we took our (what is becoming annual) family trip to Myrtle Beach, SC. It was a wonderful week at the beach with family and friends! The drive was awful, but with the new car we were able to drive down, around town for the week and home for less than $250. I could get 1 plane ticket for that! So financially it made a lot of sense!

Our home away from home for 8 days!

One of our favorite attractions!!!

My beautiful Niece, Keira Chanel, turned 1!!!!

Happy 1st Birthday!

October 2013: John and I ordered a new sleep number bed!!! Our old mattress was 13 years old so it was time for a new one. We priced mattresses for 2-3 months and realized that the sleep number was in the same price range as regular mattresses with a better warranty! So we bought it! It was one of the best decisions we ever made! Both John and I have slept like babies!!!

With my visit to the Doctor in September, she suggested I have a sleep study done. So after fighting the insurance company, the approved an at home sleep study. Not as bad as it sounds and I was able to have a fairly normal nights sleep! What the study showed was abnormal sleep pattern, so an appointment with a neurologist was scheduled for January.

John also had to go to see an Orthopedic because he had some severe shoulder pain. After an MRI, it was determined that he has arthritis and bone spurs in the joint and a small tear on his rotator cuff. He decided to try some anti inflammatory medication to help with the pain. The Dr. told him that most of the pain was most likely from the arthritis and bone spurs not the tear.

Keira took her first steps during a family dinner get together so we were able to all witness and video tape it!

November 2013: Brooke Elizabeth turns 8!!!

The beautiful birthday girl!!

We decided to have family picture done as a large group this year, there are 12 of us! As well as individual groups! The turned out great!

Our 2013 family picture

Our beautiful baby girl!

The four kids!!!

The entire family!!!

Decemeber 2013: Jocelynn Noelle turned 8!!!! Man the time has flown by! Where is my baby?!?!

"8 years ago my life changed in ways I never imagined but for the better! At 1:58 am we 
welcomed our beautiful daughter, Jocelynn Noelle, into the world. 
You are my world and I am so very happy and proud to be known as your mom!
 I love you very much!!! Happy 8th Birthday my miracle child, you truely are a blessing from God!"

As a SAHM, I decided to start some crafts. My first was a homemade, double sided tree skirt. I was able to finish the first side this year and will finish the second side next year. I think it came out fairly nice!

Not too bad!

John decided that the anti inflammatory drugs were not working, so he decided to try a cortizone shot to get through the holidays! It worked grate but only lasted about 6-8 weeks.

So.....there is my 2013 update. Thanks for reading all the way to the end, I will post more later!

Overwhelmed!

That one word says it all....overwhelmed.

There is so much going on with Jocelynn, from Kindergarten graduation, to her surgery, I started filling out the registration paperwork for 1st grade next year (public school which I'm unsure how I feel about), and her behavior problems in the last week. I am at a lost.

Not to mention frustration and disappointment at work.

I also seem to be on a huge shit list. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, but it seems there are many people unhappy around me. I feel like I am pulled in hundreds of different directions and can feel myself pulled very thin and on the verge of breaking. I can't even really explain it.....which makes me even more frustrated!

Some of the issue may be the weather. It has been rainy and cool for the last 2 weeks, finally today the sun is out, but I don't feel like going out and enjoying (especially since my hubby is working ALL day)! The only reason I feel I am out of bed is for Jocelynn's sake, and even she seems to be pushing my buttons. I know it is not her fault, but I have had to "take a break" more times then I want to admit.

For once I would like to feel like there is someone out there that doesn't expect me to be perfect! I want someone (besides my hubby and daughter) to make time for me, not vice verse. I want someone to ask me if I am ok, and not expect me to know all the answers. Not leave every decision to be made in my hands. I want to follow, not lead.

I feel like I am put out there to fail. Everyone looks to me to lead so that when shit hits the fan, there is someone to blame.

I can sit her all day and complain....I don't want to. I want to get these feeling out of me and move on! I want to be happy! I'm just not sure how to take that first step in the right direction......I have to keep trying! For no one else except my family!

February Update

Here is the beginning of the updates.........

What happen in February???? 

First off, let me start by providing before and after pictures of Jocelynn's haircut. She was able to donate around 11 inches to locks of love.

Before....her hair was so long!

After the hair cut!

I was offered full-time at work on January 30th. As much I loved my schedule of working 32 hours, the new 40 hour schedule came with benefits that begin on 5/1/2012! 

February also marks another Birthday for me......33! After 30, another year isn't that bad except for the fact that I am moving closer and closer to 40....

With it being my Birthday month (when you get to a certain age, you celebrate all month!) I was able to have some fun times with some of my closest friends. Alaine, Kayla and Ashley came over on the 4th for Girls night in and then I spent the 11th shopping until we dropped with Andrea! What more could a girl ask for???

February was still pretty calm and laid back, with the weather being still cold and yuck, there isn't much to do outside. Our schedule gets supper busy when the warmer weather hit.

On the TTC front, John and I did receive some very happy news only to be hit with some very sad news. We managed to find out we were pregnant (finally) only to get devastating news a  few days later. Miscarriage is never something I want to hear about, but to experience it twice in 3 months is truly heartbreaking. December 20th and February 20th (both months with important event happening and joyful family times) will forever be slightly painful and tinged with an amount of sadness. 

More and More and More!

Today is CD10! Which meant blood-work with morning. Which is always fun first thing. Luckily the new Lab person that I am seeing on these weekly visits is great! She can get me first time and she is supper friendly and keeps me talking the entire time. I do miss Kathy at my old Dr.'s office, but I see this new relationship building (in the back of my mind I am hoping that this is it though).

Clomid is done!!!! One side effect that has been unusual for this this month is my lack of appetite! I'm not complaining, I just hope it continues so I can loose some weight.......

Jocelynn is doing great at school, she has a hard time getting up in the morning. She is like me and does NOT like to be woke up! We like to wake up on our own time.....kinda hard with School and Work. She still enjoys going and has brought home some great work. I have decided to document all her weekly projects by taking a picture of them. Then I can look back and remember without actually keeping everything. I will keep a few important or sentimental things. Look for pictures of her weekly work on facebook!

I am still working on the devotional for John (he is working on the one for me) and I am surprised how much it has helped me understand him better.

It has also helped me look at things in my life differently, especially since the last 2 weeks have been very hard emotionally for me. I have felt very alone. It is tough when you feel like you have no one to turn too! People you thought would be there for you aren't, for one reason or another. I have tried talking to John, but we just end up in an argument and it isn't worth it. I have relied a lot on God these last 2 weeks and he has helped me see that I am NOT alone! I am still learning, and it is different because sometimes I want those physical arms around me hugging, but I do find comfort in my daily conversations with Him!

Tired of this game.

Onto another cycle, cycle 44 to be exact......WTH! After being a week late the witch shows up! Why can't this be easier? What am I supposed to get out of this journey besides heartache and frustration. Why can't I get pregnant like every other woman I know....is it because I'm married, I love my husband and we are good people? Maybe I need to be the unmarried crack whore down the street who has 4 children each with a different daddy, who doesn't appreciate the gifts she has been given, who can't take care of her children without soaking the state and any family she has of money. WHY?!?!?! can't this just be easier! WHY?!?!

I understand I am blessed. I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who are my world, but I want more. More children that is! I want to feel like a woman, not a broken failure who rides this damn emotional rollercoaster every month. Who rants about what she doesn't have when I know I should look at what I have and not what I don't.....how do you do that? How do you tell the voices to shut up when they chant....."broken failure of a woman, not worthy to have more kids, you suck as a parent to the one you have?"

Thank God for my husband and a few friends, some of who do not understand what I am going through, but are always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. Who in there own way say exactly what I need to hear, even if I don't want to hear it!

I am just tired of it all! Tired of living my life 2 weeks at a time. Tired of wondering what every little feeling in my body means. Tired of checking every time I use the bathroom. Tired of wondering if this will be the month Tired of riding this damn emotional roller coaster! Just. Tired!

Life is entertaining sometimes!

What can I say...having a 4 year old is entertaining. She amazes me everyday with the things she says, her actions and the songs she sings...

Jocelynn loves to sing! She only has to hear a song 3-4 times and she will be singing along with it. Even songs we don't even realize she knows....she started singing "lollipop"
                        Lollipop Lollipop
                       Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli
                        Lollipop  *POP*
                       Call my baby Lollipop
                       Tell you why
                       'Cause he's sweeter than an apple pie
After I stopped laughing...mainly from shock, I asked her were she had heard that song and she said TV! I'm still confused, but she found the song and it stuck in her head....lol


It is also funny to "see" her brain working to figure things out. From explaining or asking questions to pronouncing words. Also understanding things that are said to her......
              Jocelynn was headed to bed and was giving Grammie a kiss good night, she doesn't actually 'kiss' but pucker her lips and 'tap' them against your cheek. Well grammie wanted a kiss...Grammie said "I want a smack." Jocelynn looked at her funny and slowly brought her hand up to grammies cheek so she coule 'smack' grammie.....LOL. She knew it was wrong to hit grammie, but hadn't grammie asked.......Wrong kinda smack!

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Things have been interesting the last few days. I have had quiet a few ups and downs...seems I have been playing the "poor me" card and I hate it! I though I had a handle on my emotions, especially concerning my inabilaty to conceive, but I guess everyone is entitled to their bad days. I try and focus on the blessing I have and my faith that GOD has a plan for me and that I am not alone. 

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This weekend is a busy one....or should I say Sunday is busy. Saturday is pretty open and I am hoping we will be doing something outside, enjoying the beautiful weather we are supposed to have. Sunday is church and 2 birthday parties at the same time. My cousin's 3rd birthday and my grandfathers 75th birthday. So I don't expect to see home much before 6-7 pm that night. *sigh*

Spiraling downward............

That is exactly how I am feeling.......how can I not? I feel like God has placed an wall on every path we try and take that will get us to our goal of having another child. I am trying to keep faith and remember that God has a plan for me.......but why can't he just give us a break? I guess i will never know and like other down moments, this too will pass!

You may be asking "what happened?" I received John's s/a results today.......not good. Worse then 2004 when we started the journey. My RE has suggested seeing a male fertility specialist, I didn't even realize there was such a Dr....so i guess that is good news. But I still feel depressed and frustrated and ready to give up......maybe I need to come to the realization that my daughter will be an only child....as much as I hate that thought.....but there isn't much I can do to change that!

I'm not going into the numbers here, but lets just say they are bad! Even though his numbers aren't non existant, and it could still happen, it going to take just short of a miracle.

So now I have even more to think about.....maybe this is Gods way of telling me to go ahead with the weightloss surgery. Maybe this is the nudge I need to stop obsessing about TTC and enjoy life and my beautiful daughter....who I now realize is even more of a miracle!!!!! Who knows, it happened once, it can happen again.

But honestly, if I could take a miracle and give it to some of the many ladies that are still struggling to conceive #1, I would in a heart beat. (even if that meant I would have an only child) I know it sound funny, but I know many of these ladies and they deserve nothing more then to have a child! They are wonderful and I have leaned on them more then once! I don't know how I would have made it through the last 12+ months without them.....I love my CO sisters!

Talking about support, I have wonderful ladies who have also been there for me every month. My Mom, Kristina and Jody have been a rock and seems to know how to just listen when needed and also 'smack' me and bring me back to reality when I need it. I have leaned on them and they have helped me more then I think they even realize.

Then of course there is John, Jocelynn, Jekka and Brooke! Jekka....I love you! Jekka and Brooke, my beautiful nieces who have been there to put a smile on my face when I needed it most! John and Jocelynn who are my rocks and continue to get me through each and every day!

Wow, sound like I'm giving my fairwell speech........NO I am not. Just wanted to let the people who have been there for me know how much they mean to me!

SO now to have a long conversation and allot of praying with John. Not sure what we are going to do, but I know God has a plan and I just need to have faith!

Taking a Break

Not completely.....as that would kill me. Kinda the not trying but not preventing!

ok...so after much thinking and talking with John, we have decided to stop all medical help and TTC the good old natural way! No RE, no acupuncture. Just temps and BD. Hoping to get back to enjoying BDing again instead of it feeling like a chore.

We have not been to the RE in a couple months, but I have been updating her monthly with each new cycle. The Acupuncture is expensive to say the least. $88 a week for John and $85 every 2 weeks for me. With the holidays coming up and us on 1 income, I would rather start a savings account for when a new bundle of joy finally arrives for us!

I have not been in a good place for months. Tired of it all! This actually explains it best ~


I have become a person that I can't live with! I am jealous and resentful all the time. I am constantly seeing pregnant women in the store and such and immediately, I am in a bad mood.

I have decided that until I can focus on what I have in life instead of what I don't, then God will not bless us with another child. TTC has taken over my entire life and I feel like I am neglecting Jocelynn. I hate the thought that I may be missing some of the best years with Jocelynn because I was too busy worrying about giving her a brother or sister!

I know that in order to feel at piece with how my life is I must open my heart to God. John and I have decided to go back to church. Our first mission is to find a church that we feel comfortable and welcomed in. I decided to bring my feeling about going back to church to John the other day, and surprising enough he has been feeling the same way. We feel like there is something missing in our lives and marriage. We have always thought that is was another child. We now know that we were incorrect. We have not been to church since we were married in June of 2002. Although we loved our church then, they have become to large for us to feel comfortable in.

There are a few options in the area, and we have a family friend in the next town who knows alot more about the churches in the area, so John will be talking to him and asking him what he thinks.

This is a jumble of thoughts and I'm not completely sure if all my thoughts written down can be understood. I just know that something in my life has to change and I am the only one who can take the steps needed.

Whatever it takes...

John has been seeing the acupuncturist for a few weeks now, and we have decided it is my turn. My first appointment is Monday at 3pm (est). I am a little nervous, but I know it is one step closer to getting a BFP!!!

I have finally overcome the heartache of last month. Hope and excitement are wonderful until you have to come crashing down. It was a HUGH roller coaster of emotion with some serious ups and downs! But I have moved on and I am actually looking forward to this cycle!!!!!

On other news, I found the online pregnancy journal I kept with Jocelynn.....I will be transferring the written entries to here soon. It brought tears to my eyes, because I relived all of the happiness and excitement all over again!!! Hopefully I will do the same thing with the next pregnancy!!!!

Frustrated and Selfish

So I have been in a weird funk for the last couple of weeks and figured the only way to get over it is to write it all down.

Pity Parties ~ I am so tired of saying why her and not me. I thought I had finally gotten over all that, but every time I turn around I see a damn pregnant belly, a newborn, or see an ultrasound picture. I know I am truly happy for all my friends who are expecting, but secretly I am dying inside for myself. Why ~ I claim to be following the path that is laid out for me by God, but I have been having trouble keeping the faith. All I want to say is why? What did I do? Please whatever it is tell me so maybe I can change it. All the while knowing that my faultering faith is what needs to be fixed! I feel lost and not sure how to find my way back.

Trying to focus on what I have and not what I want ~ These last few weeks I have been putting all my energy and attention into enjoying the miracle we have. Jocelynn lights up my life in more ways then I can even say. She and John are my world and I would be completely lost with out either of them. Deep, deep, deep in my heart I will never be truly happy until I can give my husband the children, particularly the son he deserves. I have put a tremendous pressure on myself. John is the last of his name for his family. He is the youngest of 5 (the other 4 are all sisters). and his uncle had only girls. On top of that he is named after his father and grandfather and is the third. Not once has he EVER put pressure on me, he has said numerous times that he would be completely happy being the father of only girls. But at last I am a failure as a woman. I am afraid he will be the father of only 1 daughter. I pray every night that I have the strength to fallow the path God has laid out for us, but I know deep down that if I am ever told I will never have any more children it would kill me!

Does my husband truly love me? ~ I ask myself this every day, and I know the answer, but I always have doubt. Not because he has given me any reason to doubt....it is all my doing. How can a woman who isn't truly a woman because she doesn't have a body that works like a woman, ever expect to be loved? Why can't I just be satisfied knowing that I am the one he wants? I guess it all comes down to my parents separation.....so cliche....but true. My idea of marriage was based on theirs.....I mean when John and I were married, they had been married for 23 years.....how can something fall so hard and fast in 5 years? I know John isn't my father, but I see a lot of our relationship in what my parents had when I was younger. So I am scared to death, and I should be but again, my imagination and fears seem to rule my every day. CAN THEY PLEASE STOP!!!!

So as you see, if you have been feeling like I am avoiding you, bitchy or overall just not interested....please know it is not you it is me.....I have been trying to put on my smile face, and hide the pain and agony I feel, but that is getting harder and harder to do. Man I wish my CO sisters lived closer....I could use a girls night out with all of you!!!!!!