Tired of this game.

Onto another cycle, cycle 44 to be exact......WTH! After being a week late the witch shows up! Why can't this be easier? What am I supposed to get out of this journey besides heartache and frustration. Why can't I get pregnant like every other woman I know....is it because I'm married, I love my husband and we are good people? Maybe I need to be the unmarried crack whore down the street who has 4 children each with a different daddy, who doesn't appreciate the gifts she has been given, who can't take care of her children without soaking the state and any family she has of money. WHY?!?!?! can't this just be easier! WHY?!?!

I understand I am blessed. I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who are my world, but I want more. More children that is! I want to feel like a woman, not a broken failure who rides this damn emotional rollercoaster every month. Who rants about what she doesn't have when I know I should look at what I have and not what I don't.....how do you do that? How do you tell the voices to shut up when they chant....."broken failure of a woman, not worthy to have more kids, you suck as a parent to the one you have?"

Thank God for my husband and a few friends, some of who do not understand what I am going through, but are always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. Who in there own way say exactly what I need to hear, even if I don't want to hear it!

I am just tired of it all! Tired of living my life 2 weeks at a time. Tired of wondering what every little feeling in my body means. Tired of checking every time I use the bathroom. Tired of wondering if this will be the month Tired of riding this damn emotional roller coaster! Just. Tired!

On a roll!

Saturday night wasn't just a one time thing. Jocelynn has awoke in the morning the last 2 of 3 nights completely dry. Monday morning she woke up to a barely wet diapers. I think she started to pee and realized she shouldn't and stopped. The last 2 mornings she has been completely dry! I will give her tonight and Christmas eve and if she wakes up dry after those nights we will try the big girl panties for bed!

I didn't realize this would mean so much to me and that I would feel so proud of my little girl who is growing up!

Jocelynn also has her annual exam today. I will update with her 'stats' later...lol

John's appointment is today. I am nervous but really want her to give him the answers he need. He did do some research and found a herbal supplement that he has been taking and it has help a great deal with his mood swings and patience. Please just pray that she doesn't give us the run around like the last two specialist have!

As I sit her and type, my brain is going a million miles a minute. Why? I can't say, but this next week could bring some amazing information to John and I. Please keep us in your prayers!