Life is entertaining sometimes!

What can I say...having a 4 year old is entertaining. She amazes me everyday with the things she says, her actions and the songs she sings...

Jocelynn loves to sing! She only has to hear a song 3-4 times and she will be singing along with it. Even songs we don't even realize she knows....she started singing "lollipop"
                        Lollipop Lollipop
                       Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli
                        Lollipop  *POP*
                       Call my baby Lollipop
                       Tell you why
                       'Cause he's sweeter than an apple pie
After I stopped laughing...mainly from shock, I asked her were she had heard that song and she said TV! I'm still confused, but she found the song and it stuck in her head....lol


It is also funny to "see" her brain working to figure things out. From explaining or asking questions to pronouncing words. Also understanding things that are said to her......
              Jocelynn was headed to bed and was giving Grammie a kiss good night, she doesn't actually 'kiss' but pucker her lips and 'tap' them against your cheek. Well grammie wanted a kiss...Grammie said "I want a smack." Jocelynn looked at her funny and slowly brought her hand up to grammies cheek so she coule 'smack' grammie.....LOL. She knew it was wrong to hit grammie, but hadn't grammie asked.......Wrong kinda smack!

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Things have been interesting the last few days. I have had quiet a few ups and downs...seems I have been playing the "poor me" card and I hate it! I though I had a handle on my emotions, especially concerning my inabilaty to conceive, but I guess everyone is entitled to their bad days. I try and focus on the blessing I have and my faith that GOD has a plan for me and that I am not alone. 

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This weekend is a busy one....or should I say Sunday is busy. Saturday is pretty open and I am hoping we will be doing something outside, enjoying the beautiful weather we are supposed to have. Sunday is church and 2 birthday parties at the same time. My cousin's 3rd birthday and my grandfathers 75th birthday. So I don't expect to see home much before 6-7 pm that night. *sigh*

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Please keep these families in your thoughts and prayers and light a candle from 7-8pm!

Doing Better

I won't lie. I was crushed yesterday. I was so hopeful with this cycle because my P4 level was wonderful! I'm doing better, but my cycle hasn't started. I haven't had the 3 days of bleeding that is a constant reminder of the failure I am as a woman.

John and I have decided to have is s/a done along with any other test he can get done. Unfortunately the Dr. feels that it has to be an issue on his end because my body is doing everything 'normally'. John mentioned wanting to have his testosterone checked and I will be researching herbal supplements that he can take. We have also decided that we will be doing an IUI this month. He told me that his boss will have to deal with him being late to work one day because having a baby is more important to him. This is why I love this man with all my heart!

On to happier news, I had a dentist appointment. It was uncomfortable as usual, mad worse by the medication I have taken in the last 30 days. But NO CAVITIES!!!! That is great news for me. My teeth are soft and I can count on one hand the number of times I have gone for a cleaning and not had a cavity. Not often. It is nice to hear! Now I don't have to go back until October!

Jocelynn is great. She seemed to realize that I was upset yesterday. She kept hugging and kissing me and saying, "Mommy, I love you." I am truly blessed to have her. She knows exactly what I need to feel better.

The good and the bad

Good news, CD 10 FSH level was a 4.6!!!!! That is very good and the RE is no longer concerned about my ovarian reserve!!!!!! That is a load off of my mind! I am kinda going crazy in this 2ww. It always is like this after a break, getting back on the horse and the possibilities are amazing and makes me feel hopeful again!

Things have been going good otherwise. Work is frustrating and the new person that I am training is frustrating, but I should be finished up there shortly. I have decided to continue my Fridays at the shelter as a volunteer. I enjoy the 'me' time and Jocelynn seems to be minding better since I am not home 24/7. We will see how long this trick works!

Things have been pretty boring and same thing day after day, which is good but leaves too much time for my brain to work overtime!


JD, you are in my thoughts today. Please let me know if you need to chat, I am always here for you! {{{hugs}}}

All I want to do is Scream!

WHY??????? Why is it that people who are not financially stable can get pregnant on a whim? Not that they don't deserve to have children, if that is what they really want, but really, you can't support yourself and the children you have, why would you add to the mix....on purpose?!?!?!

I have some mixed feelings about this news. I am happy for them because they are great parents, but I am sad for myself. Here we are at the 2 year 2 month mark and NOTHING! I really am having a hard time today after this news. I thought that I was OK with this last cycle being a bust, but then this news comes and it almost completely destroys me. I am holding it together, but not by much. I just want to know when it will be my turn?!?!?!

I guess I just have to continue to be patient and hope and pray that my day comes again soon. Here is were I start to feel guilty. Why can't I just be happy with the child I have? I guess it is because I never wanted to have an only child. I also didn't want to have a lot of years between them. I guess one of thos wishes is no longer going to be the case. Let's just hope it's not the having an only child one.

As all things, this too shall pass, but I am just tired of it every month. I just wish some people who I know could understand that better!

On a happier Note! Welcome Thomas Michael....born 2/19/09 at 9:57 pm weighing 9 pounds 5.4 ounces and 20 3/4 inches long!!!!! Big Boy!

Also awaiting the arrival of Leo and Tyler!!!!!!!

CD1

So much for the pregnancy symptoms (soar bb's, Nauseousness and tired all the time) and wishful thinking! This morning AF showed and I couldn't be more depressed about it. I am just tired of this rollercoaster ride and want to get off! Unfortunately I won't get of until I hear the greatest sentence on earth: "you ARE pregnant!!!!"

So I will have my pity party today and then tomorrow I will be ready to tackle the next cycle! This cycle John and I decided to try Soy Isoflavones. I figured it still fits into my "no meds until March" because it is natural! I hope we don't have to go back to the Dr. in March and this is the little help that we need! Wish us luck!

Not to go find something bad for me to snack on.....so much for my diet today!

What a Weekend.....

So, where do I start? There has been allot going on in the last 3-4 days.

Bad News: I found out that my Grandfather has Leukemia. After months and months (and months) of issues with his white blood count, and the Dr. saying it was from an infection, they have determined that he does in fact have leukemia. STUPID DR.'S. WTF is wrong with some people? Seriously, they didn't think that months and months of a high white blood count could or would be something other then an infection? Grandpa has an appointment tomorrow (1/5) so I will know more then. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Frustrating: I think it is really terrible threes! Jocelynn has been a BEAR! I don't know what to do and I am beyond frustrated with her attitude and tantrums. The worst has been today. I was so frustrated with her tantrum that I picked her up, put her in her bedroom and closed the door. She proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs while banging on her door. She gets herself so upset, that she makes herself sick. I just don't know what to do. I have tried everything and I am seriously at the end of my rope.

I do know that one of my biggest issues is my lack of patience. What book can I read to learn that....LOL. Jocelynn is usually a busy girl. Always doing something and given the chance she will talk your ear off. Lately she has had an attitude that makes my skin crawl. Her favorite word is no and just today we have had 2 potty accidents. I am thinking that the holidays just messed with her schedule and in about a week she will be back to her old self? I find myself wanting to give into what she wants, just so I don't have to deal with the tantrums and screaming. I know this is not the way to handle things and do so would just make my situation worst. I just have to stay consistent and stand my ground. I have a feeling she will be spending allot of time in her bedroom and in the time out corner.

As if things weren't worst, she hasn't been taking her naps. I know this is contributing to her evening tantrums. I just haven't found anything that gets this girl to take her nap. Makes me want to give in and give her Binky back. I don't want to, but the girl needs her sleep. She has only asked for her Binky twice and it has not been asked for since Christmas day. I guess this is my payback for something being easy.

Fun: Yesterday was My Mother's Side of the family Christmas Party. It was fun. Our family seems to have had a baby boom in the last 4 years. There are 7 kids under the age of 4. and 5 others between the age of 6 and 11. WOW. It's funny how we went years with just 1 or 2 little ones and then all of a sudden my cousins and I decided to all have children at once. Family gatherings have become a blast with all the little ones running around!

Tomorrow starts my fun. DIETING....yuck! I am determined to loose 50 pounds this year and keep it off!

Just Living Life!

Not much has been happening. Following the story and life of the sweetest little girl, Kayleigh. It is remarkable how God works and he has truly blessed this family with a miracle! Please help me in continuing to pray for a full and quick recovery for Kayleigh.

Waiting to meet Derek. He is taking his sweet time and I know his Mommy has already given him his eviction notice! LOL. Let's hope today is his Birthday!!!!!


On the home front, really not much happening. Going about day to day life. Yesterday Mom and I were able to go to the Christmas Tree Shop!! (One just opened 20 minutes from my house!) It has to be by far my favorite store. It is a hit or miss, either you find a ton of items (like my Mom did!) or just a few or nothing. Depending what they have in stock. I know now that is it closer I will be visiting more frequently (used to have to drive an hour to get to one!)

My Christmas shopping is under way! I really have a great start and am about half done! Before Thanksgiving! What happened. I guess having the time to do it since I am not "working" allowed me to do this. It actually is great. Jocelynn is done......or so I say. I always end up finding something else for a person even after I say they are done. This year I am trying to stick to my guns. When I come up with an idea for her (or the few other people I have finished shopping for) I pass the idea onto others who will be shopping for that person! Genius, I know!!!! LOL

Lately I have been feeling better! I thing the "break" that we are taking from the TTC intervention is really working. I would love to jump completely off the TTC train, but that is not possible! I struggle too much with the What if's.....

Also I am a little down because in the next 5 weeks Jocelynn and Brooke (my beautiful niece) will be 3 years old! WHAT?!?!?!? were the hell did the time go? Seems like yesterday I was in labor and giving birth to Jocleynn, and in 5 weeks she will be 3!!!!!!!!!! I really time would slow the hell down!!!!

Life.....

Life has a funny way of happening all around you.

John is still sick, and I am seriously starting to worry. I will give the antibiotics until Thursday to start working or I call the Dr. again. It has moved from his nose to his chest and I'm not playing around with that shit.

Other then life we have just been going day to day. I'm trying not to freak out since I only have 4 more days until testing!!!!! I kinda know in the back of my mind and in my heart that it will be a BFN. I have NO symptoms....not even the fake ones that my body likes to trick me with. But, never the less, I need to POAS just to make sure!!!!!

Jocelynn has been so busy lately. My Mom taught her the Hokey Pokey, so she has been running around singing that all week. Also just dancing up a storm. She can't hear music without wiggling her little bottom. It is the cutest thing. Every day she amazes me with something she does or says. She really is turning into an adorable little girl with a personality most would die for....LOL (but I may be a bit partial....lol) He latest is saying WOOHOO after something that she is interested in doing. For instant at dinner I will say "dinner's ready." and she will Woohoo all the way to the table....LOL Also I have started having to give her choices on items. Such as what to wear, drink, or eat for lunch. If I say "Jocelynn come here so we can get dressed". She will look at the outfit and say "Mommy, I don't love it!" WHAT? *shock* But if she is given the choice between 2 outfits she is happy. Also I have started letting her choose her own hair piece. It makes brushing and fixing her hair much easier.

I am having a hard time letting her make some of these choices. I don't want to admit that she is growing up and able to make these choices on her own. I don't want to let my baby go...LOL....I know I am crazy. At the same time she is so much fun and bring so much joy to my life! I sometimes sit at night, watching her, and wonder what we ever did for 'entertainment' before she was born...LOL Now if only we could be blessed with another child!

And then I feel guilty for being so upset that I am having trouble with #2. So many of my wonderful girlfriends are struggling with #1. I would give up my chance of #2 for them to be able to have their first. They all deserve it soooooo much and I know that all of them will be blessed at some point and will be WONDERFUL mothers! They have been there for me in more ways then they will ever know and I don't know were i would be without them! Love you Ladies!!!!!!!!

CD 1 SUCKS!!!!!!!!

The witch decided to make this past month an official bust! GAAH!!!! I am happy that she didn't make me wait and wonder, but it would have been nice to not see her for the next 9 months!!!

I have stayed pretty busy today. John, my Mom and I took Jocelynn apple picking. It was fun and Jocelynn LOVED it! I will be making applesauce and pie filling. Mom and I will be canning it to use this holiday season. Also made some salsa from the tomatoes and green peppers from the garden. Can't wait to try that! It was nice to focus on something else besides my failure as a woman!

This week should be pretty quiet. John starts his 4 day work weeks. So we will have Friday, Saturday and Sunday together as a family. I can't wait. Not sure what we will do, but painting the garage (if the weather holds up) sounds like a good idea. Maybe one Friday we can go to Canobie Lake Park. We haven't been this year and Jocelynn loves the rides ~ we will see!

John has his second acupuncture appointment tomorrow. Hoping all goes well. He says he thinks the herbs the acupuncturist gave him are working....we will see in the next few weeks.

I have been thinking about checking out the town library. Seeing what programs they offer to get Jocey a jump start on reading. She loves books and I think just spending some time looking at book that she doesn't see everyday will keep her entertained. ~ Today was better then the past week. She has been listening much better and curbing her attitude more. Seems I have found a form of discipline and praise that is working (thanks Jody!!!).

On the ttc side, we have decided to not do anything this month. No u/s to check follie growth and no temping. I will still keep my chart, just so I know were I am in my cycle.....but we are trying the 'let's not make it the focus of our life' approach. Praying it will work. I'm just afraid I will be more crazy not knowing. Maybe I can keep busy.

Frustrated and Selfish

So I have been in a weird funk for the last couple of weeks and figured the only way to get over it is to write it all down.

Pity Parties ~ I am so tired of saying why her and not me. I thought I had finally gotten over all that, but every time I turn around I see a damn pregnant belly, a newborn, or see an ultrasound picture. I know I am truly happy for all my friends who are expecting, but secretly I am dying inside for myself. Why ~ I claim to be following the path that is laid out for me by God, but I have been having trouble keeping the faith. All I want to say is why? What did I do? Please whatever it is tell me so maybe I can change it. All the while knowing that my faultering faith is what needs to be fixed! I feel lost and not sure how to find my way back.

Trying to focus on what I have and not what I want ~ These last few weeks I have been putting all my energy and attention into enjoying the miracle we have. Jocelynn lights up my life in more ways then I can even say. She and John are my world and I would be completely lost with out either of them. Deep, deep, deep in my heart I will never be truly happy until I can give my husband the children, particularly the son he deserves. I have put a tremendous pressure on myself. John is the last of his name for his family. He is the youngest of 5 (the other 4 are all sisters). and his uncle had only girls. On top of that he is named after his father and grandfather and is the third. Not once has he EVER put pressure on me, he has said numerous times that he would be completely happy being the father of only girls. But at last I am a failure as a woman. I am afraid he will be the father of only 1 daughter. I pray every night that I have the strength to fallow the path God has laid out for us, but I know deep down that if I am ever told I will never have any more children it would kill me!

Does my husband truly love me? ~ I ask myself this every day, and I know the answer, but I always have doubt. Not because he has given me any reason to doubt....it is all my doing. How can a woman who isn't truly a woman because she doesn't have a body that works like a woman, ever expect to be loved? Why can't I just be satisfied knowing that I am the one he wants? I guess it all comes down to my parents separation.....so cliche....but true. My idea of marriage was based on theirs.....I mean when John and I were married, they had been married for 23 years.....how can something fall so hard and fast in 5 years? I know John isn't my father, but I see a lot of our relationship in what my parents had when I was younger. So I am scared to death, and I should be but again, my imagination and fears seem to rule my every day. CAN THEY PLEASE STOP!!!!

So as you see, if you have been feeling like I am avoiding you, bitchy or overall just not interested....please know it is not you it is me.....I have been trying to put on my smile face, and hide the pain and agony I feel, but that is getting harder and harder to do. Man I wish my CO sisters lived closer....I could use a girls night out with all of you!!!!!!

A sad day...

So today was a really rough day for me. Today was Aunt Kathy's funeral (10/14/1949 ~ 7/13/2008). Although the service was beautiful and I learned things about my Aunt that I didn't know, i already miss her! I am extremely sad that Jocelynn will not know this lovely woman who loved every one of her family members with her whole heart. I LOVE YOU! I know that she is up in heaven with my grandmother and I now feel like I have 2 guardian Angels!