Merry Christmas!!

Ok, So I am a day late. Spending some much needed time with family and away from the computer for the day!

Christmas was WONDERFUL!!!! Spending time with family was just what I needed. It was such a relaxing day!

Jocelynn made my day! She was so into the entire Christmas feeling. It is just amazing to see Christmas through a child's eyes.

As far as the no binkie, that is going surprisingly smooth. Santa took Jocelynn's Binkies to the North Pole for all the babies who don't have one. She has been attached to her binkie since she was born. It is a comfort to her. I hated the idea of it being taken away, but I knew it was time. I didn't want it to start effecting her teeth!

So far we have had a nap and a bedtime without the binkie and both have been, so i dare say, easy. Both times she has asked for it back and I have explained that Santa took them all to the North Pole for the babies. That seems to work and she roles over and goes to sleep. Of course it has taken her twice as long to fall asleep, but that is fine with me. She didn't even have me up last night with crying fits asking for it. I really thought that I would have a long sleep deprived night. She went to sleep about 9:30 and slept to 7:30. Not bad at all!

Of course, Santa was very good to her for sharing her binkies with the babies. She received a Power Wheel. She was so excited to see it sitting "under" the tree when she got up in the morning. She was even able to "drive" it down to Auntie Bobbies when we went for our visit. This summer should be a blast with it!

I am hoping that all my friends and family had a wonderful Christmas and God bless each and every one of you!!!!!

A busy day.....

So yesterday (12/23/08) I spent bringing my girl friend to the ER. She was having severe abdominal pain. After blood work, pain meds, and a CT scan, they determined it was her appendix and she had to have it removed. About 10:30 last night was her surgery and after talking to her this morning, she seems to be doing better. Still in pain, but that is expected after surgery.

Thank Goodness she is ok!


Today is Christmas Eve! Lots of baking with a house full of kiddos! FUN!

So far I have managed to finish the no bake cookies and banana breads. I still need to bake Sugar cookies, Banana Cream Pie, Chocolate Cream Pie, Coconut Cream pie, Mince Meat Pie (for my grandparents...yuck), Lemon meringue pie and Chocolate pumpkin cheesecake. Plus cut up veggies and fruit to snack on tomorrow. I guess I should get my rear in gear....LMAO

We do this wonderful thing on Christmas that makes the day so relaxing! When we wake up, Mom and I start the cinnamon rolls that we have every year for breakfast. Then we open our stockings from Santa and Mittens from grammie. We eat breakfast. Then We have our Christmas tree (John, Jocelynn and me). Then my brothers arrive and we have the family presents. We have all kinds of snackie food to munch on all day. Fruit, veggies and dip, cheese and crackers and banana bread. When you are hungry for a meal, you help yourself to the pulled pork....YUMMY. So we never actually sit down and eat together, kinda just eat when we are hungry, but there is no stress.

Of course throughout the day we have family stop by, but we really don't have to go anywhere else. We may venture down to my SIL, but that is 2 houses down the street.

I am looking forward to the pulled pork this year, in fact John started last night and it smells WONDERFUL!!!!!

From my Family to yours, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!

Let it Snow!!!!!!

SO after being hit with back to back snow storms (and more still to come) this is what my world looks like. Talk about a winter wonderland!

What is supposed to be a sidewalk in front of the house


The back porch. (The grill to the right and the railing in the background!


The mail boxes....LOL


The front of the house. There are steps leading to the front door!


Needless to say, we are all set with the snow until next year. But I know we will be getting more. It's only December and January and February are our snowiest months! We are in the path of another storm scheduled for Wednesday. They say now that it is supposed to be around 40*, so that means it will be all rain.....lovely! It will make everything wet and slushy and then it will go into freezing temps again and makes things slick! I love New England but I really hate the weather sometimes!

Time to enjoy the Holidays!

So, I have finished! All of my Christmas shopping is done! And all but 4 presents are wrapped!!! WOOHOO!!!

Now I can concentrate on baking. Lots of Sugar Cookies and No Baked Cookies! Hoping to spend allot of Christmas Eve baking! Especially since it seems we are going to be snowed in!

The weather is driving me crazy! Not so much now that my shopping is done! We have been having back to back snow storms. First the Ice storm on Friday (12/12) which left us without power for most of the day (21 hours). Then a snow storm on Tuesday (12/16) and Friday (12/19 and in fact it is still lightly dusting snow!). The weather forecast is calling for snow the next 2 days, with 1 day break and then a wintry mix on Christmas Eve! Thankfully they are predicting the sun to shine on Christmas day!

I love snow! But I also know when enough is enough. All I want is a white Christmas and then it can disappear until next year! I always end up having a Hugh snow storm hit on my birthday in Feb. The joy of living in New England I guess!

Every day i am getting more and more excited for Christmas! I feel like a kid who still believes in Santa and I think that is because of Jocelynn. She is so excited this year! She asks me every day "how many days until Santa comes?" It is so cute. When she is misbehaving she knows Santa is watching because I will ask her what happens when she is bad and she say "Santa will know and I will be on naughty list." LMAO! Seeing Christmas through a child's eyes is the best! Makes even the Scrooges enjoy the holidays!!!

PS Happy Birthday to my Brother Jeremy! He is 24 today!

Jocelynn's Annual Check-up!

All I have to say is WOW! I didn't realize kids grew so big so fast....LOL

Jocelynn had her annual check-up at the Dr. She is 42.6 pounds (100th percentile) and 40 inches tall (97th percentile). She is as big as a 5 year old. How the hell did this happen? I know John and I are not small people (6 foot and 5 foot 6 inches) but to have a child that is so much bigger then her peers. I am now worried about what will happen in school. I don't want her to be picked on and ridiculed for her size. I am hoping she will slow down a bit. Growing 5 inches and gaining 5 pounds in a year is a lot! I guess only time will tell!

Other then that she is, and I quote, "PERFECT!" She sis have her Hepatitis A Vaccine, which is new for 3 year old, and she will have to go back for another in 6 months. She didn't get her flu shot because they were out of the shot, but I will call in a few weeks to see if they are available! She cried during the shot. I always hate that part, but as soon as I said we were ready to leave and get stickers, she was fine. She handles her shots very well. She always has, so in that aspect I feel I am lucky!

She does have a few more visits coming up over the next year. I must call and make an appointment (her first) for the dentist,call for the Flu shot, a checkup with the orthopedic specialist for her feet in June, her second Hep A shot in June and the her annual in December. I am hoping that is all we have to do and that this year is a healthy year for her!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Today Jocelynn turned 3! I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. I can still remember very vividly her delivery and the 82 hours of labor. None of that matter once that sweet little angel was laid on my chest.

Happy Birthday Jocelynn!!!!


The weather today SUCKED!!!! No power for almost 24 hours! Damn wind, rain and ice! Luckily the roads stayed clear and we were able to have a small gathering to celebrate Jocelynn's birthday!

A Beautiful Poem

A Love Poem Written By John David Miller, Sr. (8-19-1916 * 11-27-08) in 1994 To His Wife Who passed in 1992 (Written by John's Poppop to him Mommom)



Two years have passed and gone

Since the one I loved so well

was taken from our home on earth

with our Lord Jesus Christ to dwell

When our family gets together

and there is one we fail to see

It fills my heart with sadness

Thinking how it used to be

A thousand times I've needed you

A thousand times I've cried

I still love and miss you

You were always by my side

The flowers i place upon your grave

may wither and decay

but my love love and memories of you

shall never fade away

the many precious years together

you made all my dreams come true

and as the days and years go by

I'll be content with my memories of you!

Not much new...

So, it has been a few days since my last entry. Not to much has been going on. Getting ready for Christmas! I can't wait this year. Jocelynn is so excited this year. It makes the holidays fun!

Celebrating allot of Birthdays this month! My Dad's was 12/9, My SIL Robin is 12/10, Jocelynn is 12/12 (can you believe she is going to be 3, where does the time go?) and My Brothers birthday is 12/20. I think the next few days are going to be busy.

I am working on my "treat" baskets. Finishing up the baking and freezing the goods for shipment. I will be spending the Friday morning shipping them out. Should be interesting, but I will be glad to have that part of Christmas done!!!

Other then that, like I said not too much going on. Look for a nice Christmas BFP. but, not getting so hopeful that I am crushed Christmas morning.

R.I.P.

Too many death this year. First my Aunt Kathy in July, The a close family friend in October. Now John's Grandfather and one of my best friends from High School. I really can't handle much more and I am more then ready for 2009. I hope and pray that 2009 is a better year. I can't handle anything more!

Rest In Peace. I Love you all!

Jennifer Ann Place (July 6, 1978 ~ December 1, 2008)


Jenn you will be truly missed. Word can not even express how deeply saddened I am by your passing. I will see you again! Love and Hugs!

Delaware..

We made it safely from home to MIL in Delaware. The services for Poppop are Friday and we will be heading home late that evening or early Saturday morning. It is nice being here with Family, but I really wish it was for a different reason!

Life.....

Seems when shit hits the fan, it is enough to suffocate you.

Thursday (Thanksgiving) morning, I wake up to the damn bitch showing her face. AF needs to make her appearance this month and then not again for another 9 months.

Then we get a call for John's sister, John's grandfather passed away in his sleep. This is a man whom John is named after (John is the 3rd) and shares a birthday with. It was sudden, but his healthy had been failing for the last few months. We will be heading down to Delaware, for the services on Monday, and will not be back home until Friday.

I have not seen John cry in the 9 years we have been together. The news Thursday morning hit him....hard. I feel for him and his sisters and parents. This is tough, but we must all remember that his is with our Father, God, and he is at peace, with his wife and his family that had passed before him. He was 92 and had lived a full life, in fact he was still living by himself, in the home him and his wife had purchased and raised their children in. He went peacefully in his sleep with no suffering. If we all could be so lucky when our time comes to return home!


Rest in Peace Poppop, John David Miller, Sr. (8.19.1916 ~ 11.27-2008) This picture was taken the night before he passed.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wishing all my friends a wonderful holiday! Enjoy the time spent with those who are dearest to your heart!

Another Busted Month!

So the damn bitch will be here tomorrow, I'm spotting now. I am actually not as upset as past months because I just knew this wasn't the month! So on to another cycle (25th) and still no meds, no Dr. nothing! I am hoping to enjoy the holidays this year!

What is great, I am due to start again ON Christmas day! Maybe I will get a BFP instead! Come on Santa, haven't I been a good girl this year?!?!?!

SO I guess we will just have to wait and see! Sorry to cut this post short, I am in the middle of baking for Tomorrow!


HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!!!

Just for a Chuckle!

more animals

This is exactly how I think my cat thinks!!!!!!

It says (...and in my tell-all book you shall be simple known as
The idiot I live with!)

Where does the time go?!?!?!

Seems like yesterday both my SIL and I were pregnant. Now our little girls are turning 3!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROOKE!!!!

I just can't believe 3 years can go that fast. What a ride it has been and I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING!

We are having Jocelynn's pictures taken today. I am so excited! I just pray she behaves and we get some good shots quickly since we will be outside and it is only supposed to be 30 degrees. BRRRRRRRRR. Then I will be ordering my christmas cards this morning or tomorrow. Depends on when I get the picture CD. Should be no later then Monday!

On the ttc front, I believe my bbt is broken. I will be buying another one this morning but as I was told, I can't use it until next cycle. It is not good to change bbt mid cycle. SO I am slightly crazy not knowing what my true temp is (staying on 98.6 and 98.5 with the broke bbt). I seriously think this cycle is out. I have been cramping on and off for the last 3 days and I am mega bitchy. Sounds like PMS to me!

Praying for my girls who are going through some procedures in the next 4-6 weeks (M, A and J! You know who you are!)And also praying for those of you who are nearing the end of your pregnancy! You will get to meet your little bundle of joys soon! I can't wait and I am so excited for all of you!!!!!!

My little girl is growing up too fast!

The last two days have been an eye opening experience for me. We went out and about, Christmas shopping and trying to find a Christmas dress and birthday party outfit for Jocelynn. I no longer can shop in the toddler section for Jocelynn (unless they carry size 5X). I wanted to cry! I had to get her party dress and outfit in girls size 4-6x. I know it sounds like not such a big deal, but it is!

Party Dress


Birthday Top, which I will pair with a very cute pair of jeans!


Then, as if Sunday wasn't enough, tonight we went to get Jocelynn a booster seat! After reading the packaging, she was big enough LAST YEAR to be using one, I guess I just wasn't mentally ready. Not so sure I am now, but I guess I don't have a choice! I did cry!
My big girls booster seat!


My baby is no longer a baby! It went way too damn fast!!!!!!! She will be 3 years old in just over 3 weeks! What the hell happened?!?!?!?! Life just flies, and then all of a sudden you realize just how much time has flown by!

It's a BOY!!!!!

My girlfriend in Delaware just found out she is having a BOY!!!! I am beyond excited! Another nephew to love and shower with gifts!!!!

I knew all along that she was having a boy! Seems everyone I know who is pregnant is having a boy!!!! When I was pg with Jocelynn, everyone around me was having a girl! So I guess you could say i am being selfish and hoping some of the blue luck will rub off on me...LMAO!

I can honestly say I was bracing myself all day for the news. I remember the melt downs I would have in the past and didn't want to be anything but happy and excited for two people who mean the world to me! I actually did surprise myself! No break down, no pity party, NOTHING!!! Just excitement and happiness. I think I may be finally turning over that leaf that is so desperately needed for my sanity!!!!!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY GABBY!!!! I Love You!!!!

The Loves of my Life!!!

Brooke Elizabeth and Jocelynn Noelle!

They are just the 2 sweetest little girls alive! Along with being the 2 biggest trouble makers in the world!!!!

The fill my day with giggles and smiles, aggravation and mischief! The are so close in age, that they sometimes fight like sisters! Brooke will be 3 on 11/22 and Jocelynn will be 3 on 12/12. (would have never guessed the peanut was older...LOL)

Along with Wyatt!


My days are busy! I love nap time! They all lay down for a nap at the same time (around 12 ~ 12:30pm) and I can usually get between 1 ~ 3 hours of me time!!!! YAY!!!!!

I may be taking on a few more children come next year! I know for sure my 8 year old cousin will be coming after school for a few hours...LOL What have I gotten myself into????

When Old Friends Get Together....

There will be trouble...LOL. My BFF turned 30 on November 4th, so I (along with 2 of our other friends (thanks for joining us Amanda and Bree) took Sierra out to Dinner and Trouble on Saturday. Chili's was awesome, until i went to pay the bill and realized I had left my Debit Card at home...WTF! Thankfully I have the greatest husband in the world and he came down to pay our tab.....LOL

So instead of going to the bar (not really our thing) we went and bought drinkies and went back to my house. Let me just tell you the trip in Hannaford's was Hilarious!!!! Of the 4 or us who went, I am the baby....I say that with some pride...LMAO! Anyhoo, while I was buying the Smirnoff Ice (YUMMY!!!) Bree noticed their halloween candy was 75% off. So innocently she asked, what is 75% off of $.69. Without missing a beat, Amanda says a quickie!! ROLFLMAO!!!!! Bree and I were the only ones who hadn't had a drink at the restaurant, but we lost it! It is a good think it was 8 at night, because I know too many people at Hannaford!!!

So when we got back to my house, John was watching Hitman. The seemed to get right into the movie and it an awesome movie......warning, lots of violence and blood!

Once the movie was over we all decided to play Wii. Keep in mind that Sierra and I both had been drinking (I had 6 Smirnoff Ice and she was on 4, plus she had 2 drinks at the restaurant) and we still kicked ass!!!!! Bowling and Mini Golf!

It was too bad when the night ended (not ti 12:30am) but it was much needed and I actually felt NORMAL! We will be doing it again! Hopefully the end of December/ beginning of January for Amanda and Bree's Birthdays!

Love you ladies and HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIERRA!!!!!!!

The 4 of us!! (Bree, Amanda, Sierra and Me!)


Sierra and I playing Wii!


Can you tell we had a lot to drink? I could only stand when it was my turn!!


And then this is how I tried to get up....LMAO!!!!

Just Living Life!

Not much has been happening. Following the story and life of the sweetest little girl, Kayleigh. It is remarkable how God works and he has truly blessed this family with a miracle! Please help me in continuing to pray for a full and quick recovery for Kayleigh.

Waiting to meet Derek. He is taking his sweet time and I know his Mommy has already given him his eviction notice! LOL. Let's hope today is his Birthday!!!!!


On the home front, really not much happening. Going about day to day life. Yesterday Mom and I were able to go to the Christmas Tree Shop!! (One just opened 20 minutes from my house!) It has to be by far my favorite store. It is a hit or miss, either you find a ton of items (like my Mom did!) or just a few or nothing. Depending what they have in stock. I know now that is it closer I will be visiting more frequently (used to have to drive an hour to get to one!)

My Christmas shopping is under way! I really have a great start and am about half done! Before Thanksgiving! What happened. I guess having the time to do it since I am not "working" allowed me to do this. It actually is great. Jocelynn is done......or so I say. I always end up finding something else for a person even after I say they are done. This year I am trying to stick to my guns. When I come up with an idea for her (or the few other people I have finished shopping for) I pass the idea onto others who will be shopping for that person! Genius, I know!!!! LOL

Lately I have been feeling better! I thing the "break" that we are taking from the TTC intervention is really working. I would love to jump completely off the TTC train, but that is not possible! I struggle too much with the What if's.....

Also I am a little down because in the next 5 weeks Jocelynn and Brooke (my beautiful niece) will be 3 years old! WHAT?!?!?!? were the hell did the time go? Seems like yesterday I was in labor and giving birth to Jocleynn, and in 5 weeks she will be 3!!!!!!!!!! I really time would slow the hell down!!!!

Taking a Break

Not completely.....as that would kill me. Kinda the not trying but not preventing!

ok...so after much thinking and talking with John, we have decided to stop all medical help and TTC the good old natural way! No RE, no acupuncture. Just temps and BD. Hoping to get back to enjoying BDing again instead of it feeling like a chore.

We have not been to the RE in a couple months, but I have been updating her monthly with each new cycle. The Acupuncture is expensive to say the least. $88 a week for John and $85 every 2 weeks for me. With the holidays coming up and us on 1 income, I would rather start a savings account for when a new bundle of joy finally arrives for us!

I have not been in a good place for months. Tired of it all! This actually explains it best ~


I have become a person that I can't live with! I am jealous and resentful all the time. I am constantly seeing pregnant women in the store and such and immediately, I am in a bad mood.

I have decided that until I can focus on what I have in life instead of what I don't, then God will not bless us with another child. TTC has taken over my entire life and I feel like I am neglecting Jocelynn. I hate the thought that I may be missing some of the best years with Jocelynn because I was too busy worrying about giving her a brother or sister!

I know that in order to feel at piece with how my life is I must open my heart to God. John and I have decided to go back to church. Our first mission is to find a church that we feel comfortable and welcomed in. I decided to bring my feeling about going back to church to John the other day, and surprising enough he has been feeling the same way. We feel like there is something missing in our lives and marriage. We have always thought that is was another child. We now know that we were incorrect. We have not been to church since we were married in June of 2002. Although we loved our church then, they have become to large for us to feel comfortable in.

There are a few options in the area, and we have a family friend in the next town who knows alot more about the churches in the area, so John will be talking to him and asking him what he thinks.

This is a jumble of thoughts and I'm not completely sure if all my thoughts written down can be understood. I just know that something in my life has to change and I am the only one who can take the steps needed.

GAAH!!!!

Life has been super busy and boring all at the same time.....LOL

First off my computer sucks! AGAIN! It really works fine other then the fact it won't log onto the Internet! (I am using the slower then I don't know what old one right now). John needs to take some time and figure out WTF is wrong with it. I WANT MY DAMN COMPUTER BACK!!!!!

Trick or treating was great (10/30)!!!!! John and I took Jocelynn around our block with 2 of my friends and their kids. A total of 6 kiddos in all! It was fun! We were only out for about an hour, but the last 3-4 hours you could tell Jocelynn had had enough and was ready to go home. Thankfully we had enough brains to bring the wagon so i didn't have to carry her. (Bee send me some of the pictures) My damn camera would work in the cold weather! Thankfully I had Jocelynn's warm Kangaroo costume from last year! She was SOOOOOOOOOOO cute!

Then Halloween day came and the last 3 days have sucked! Friday (10/31) my temp took a nose dive! All I can say is FUCK! My temps were looking normal and I really started to think that maybe this was my month! Then Saturday night (11/1) I began spotting. FUCK!!!! Ok, so I had my usual sad end to this cycle, but there is next cycle drink! White Russian...YUMMY! But this morning NOTHING!!!!!! FUCK! Maybe I shouldn't have had that drink? Why does my body hate me so????

I told myself I was not going to have anymore pity parties. I lied! I hate that I feel like I have no way to get through the heart break of every month except to throw myself a pity party. I just keep wondering what I did that is so horrible that I would be punished like this? Thousands of woman get pregnant every month who don't want to be, most ending it with an abortion! Am I the only one that finds that crazy!

Then i feel guilty because I have a beautiful daughter and that should be enough! She is! I truly feel blessed everyday that she is part of my life, but, I have always said that I didn't want to have an only child! All I am asking for is 1 more! Kinda a compromise on my end since John and I originally wanted 4 when we first started ttcing! Ok, that is out of my system. hopefully I can move on to the next cycle.....I jusy hope that if the witch is gonna show, she does it so I can move on!

In other news! Jocelynn did the cutest thing yesterday! She asked John is she could have some candy. Of course he told her to come ask me. She did and I said No (It was only about 10am). She looks at me matter of factly and said "Well, Dad said if I asked my Mother I could." *shocked* I lost it. Laughing so hard, the tears were running down my face! Where does she come up with this stuff!

Halloween and the 2ww!

So the last few days have been interesting. Nothing 'exciting' is happening other then driving myself crazy in this damn 2ww. I think it is even more crazy since I know there is no point in poas. HPT's don't work for me which is a total bummer since all I have ever really wanted to see is those 2 beautiful pink lines or the beautiful word pregnant on one of those. I have HPT left, that after I confirm pregnancy with a BETA, I will try. I will just keep telling myself that even if it comes back negative, I am in fact pregnant!!!!

As far as a BETA for this month, I have promised my girlfriend that I will call the Dr. and schedule one for 11/3. I will be 17DPO. I was going to wait longer, but I really want to know either way before my herbal consultation on 11/5, so if I am pregnant he can re mix my herbs then and I won't have to make a repeat appearance!

Other then the time dragging by, I am soo excited for my CO girls who are venturing down paths that may lead them to their BFP!!!! I can't wait to find out their good news around Thanksgiving and then around the first of the year!!! PRAYING for you ladies!!!!!!

Trick or Treating this week and I am so excited! This will be Jocelynn's first year going out, and I have some of my girl friends coming over with their children so we can march around the neighborhood! In 2006, Jocelynn wasn't quite a year old, so we just went to family, and 2007 Jocelynn was sick as a dog with a fever, so we ended up staying home! Sh is all excited to get dressed up and everyday practices saying "trick or treat". It is so cute. I have also heard her practicing "happy halloween". I just chuckle to myself and let her have her fun!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone!!!!!

Update!!!!!!

I had my second herbal consultation with the acupuncturist yesterday. It went fine, he did tweak my herbal mixture a little. Good news is I don't have to go back for 2 more weeks (11/5). Unless I do become pregnant and then I am to call him right away! John continues to go once a week, I guess only time will tell if any of this is going to help! I should be testing around the 30th, but since HPT's don't work for me, I will wait until about November 6th or 7th and if AF still isn't here I will call the Dr. for a blood test! WAITING YET AGAIN!!!!!!

I have been busy myself with the kiddos. Jocleynn, Brooke and Wyatt keep me very busy. I take advantage of nap time. I defiantly need that time to unwind, clean and do something for myself. Because after nap time come the busiest part of my day, Dinner. Making dinner for 3 adults and 2 three year olds and feeding the 9 month old keeps me pretty busy!

On top of everything above, I have been being Suzie homemaker..LOL. Mom and I have made the apple sauce, apple pie filling (2 pies made already too YUMMY!!!) and apple butter. Along with shredding the zucchini and mashing the pumpkin and freezing it so we have 'fresh' ingredients for our breads around the holidays!!!! (this has been happening for the last few weeks)

I don't know what has gotten into me. I have become the good little house wife! I have more energy then I sometimes know what to do with. Also, my overall mood is happy. Very strange for me. What are those herbs doing to me? I have a reputation of being a bitch to uphold! LMAO!

Dr.'s!!!

First off let me say AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Ok I feel better. John has been having issues with his sinuses all his life, well Last year he started seeing a Ear, Nose and Throat specialist.....if you can call her that.

John's first surgery was Nov. of 2007. He was out of work for 2 weeks and we though, yay, no more issues. Man were we wrong!

John's second surgery (for the same issue) was in Feb. of 2008. We thought, ok there could be no more issues right....WRONG!!!!

John is back to see this specialist (under protest from me, he thinks she is a great Dr.) this month!!!!!

REWIND>>>>>

John started seeing Dr. S. after he had a sinus infection that wouldn't go away after several week (with antibiotics). She decided surgery was the best course because his actual sinus passage was blocked and needed to be cleared. No problem, we were ok with that. The day of the surgery comes and John is wheeled into surgery and about 3 hours later, I am told she is done and he is in recovery. Great! Well, not so much. She couldn't finish the surgery because he started bleeding too much. Ok, obviously, there is an issue with bleeding and we will have that checked out.

The first week post surgery was ok, he was healing and not in too much pain. Well, that Saturday, all hell broke loose. We ended up in the ER twice withing a 12 hour period, because he began bleeding from his nose. The first visit to the ER they placed packing in his nose. ewwww. and the second time we ended up in the ER was because it was bleeding through the packing. The ER was so busy that he basically laid on a cot in the room and the bleeding stopped on his own...WTF, I'm glad he wasn't DYING!!!!!!

We had John's bleeding time tested and her was fine, in fact he clotted so well, that I am now thinking he may have a clotting problem...lol. What does this mean? The Fing Dr. was in a hurry with his first surgery and nicked something that got him bleeding....grrrrrr

OK, so the second surgery I was super nervous. I didn't really want to go through what I had been through with the first surgery, but it needed to be finished. He was in the operation room for 1.5 hours....ARE YOU Serious. You can't tell me she finished what she had to do??? Whatever, I really don't like her and I or my daughter will NEVER be going to her!!!!!

Post surgery was much better this time then last time. He was only out of work for a week and we had no nose bleed issues!

So here we are present day, still dealing with this bitch of a Dr. WTF. John likes her and thinks she is a great Dr. whatever!

So now John has been dealing with breathing issues and a sinus infection. So he goes for him 6 month check-up, perfect timing if you ask me, and she puts him in a Pretnizon (John is not very nice on this and she knows it, you can't tell me there isn't another steroid she can put him on. She knows he is nasty on pretnizon and I think she does it to spite me..LOL) Why the steroids? He now has polyps in his nose. WHAT? WHY? Because he has sinus surgery! WTF, why wasn't that a warning before we went ahead with the surgery?

So needless to say, I am not happy with my husbands choice in Dr.'s!!!

Just Life!

So this morning was exciting. I found Jocelynn had got a hold of a pair of scissors and had decided to give herself a haircut...... Luckily, she had only managed to snip a few pieces, and they are nor noticeable at all. I was so upset. I love her hair and I am afraid that if I trimmed her hair she would loose all her beautiful curl.

Mulan had a Vet appointment yesterday. She is healthy, just her annual check-up with shots. She is a little petite thing. 6 pounds 3/4 ounces. She has only gained 3/4 of an ounce in the last year. the Vet wants me to start giving her canned food in and morning and at night. She has dry food available 24/7 but I guess it isn't enough...LOL I think she is just perfect for a cat, but she is a little on the thin side. I just thought she was a lean, mean, hunting machine...LOL

Other then that, life has been pretty boring. I am headed into yet another 2ww. Trying to keep myself busy so I don't obsess over every little 'symptom'. What does help is the herbs the acupuncturist gave me seem to have helped with my energy level. I am helping that will help with the keeping busy....LOL

The herbs are so nasty that I went to the loval Herbal Path and purchased empty pill capsules. Just to give you an idea of the herb amount. I have to take 10, yes TEN, capsules twice a day. The capsules I purchased are the biggest size 00. About 3/4 to an inch long and about as big around as a pencil. I would take 50 a day, because it is much easier to take them in the capsules then trying to force down the water mixture or shooting with a juice chaser. John is also on 2 herbal mixtures. The things we do to get pregnant!

Herbs

All I have to say is YUCK!!!!!! I'm not sure what they are, the acupuncturist gave me a personalized mixture which I take mixed in water. Last night was my first dose and I barely got through it without yacking it back up. So this morning I decided to take the mixture, dry, and shot it like a shot and chase it with some orange juice. Much better!!!! It still taste like burnt licorice, but I don't have as much to drink, know what I mean!

I'm sure it will get easier to take, and I figure if John can take 2 seperate mixtures like that, then I can at least do 1.

My next appointment is Tuesday (10/21) at 3:15. He may have to tweak my mixture, I don't know we will see.


This morning I have been busy. My mother and I decided to make apple pie filling and can it for the holidays. We hope it will make out baking easier. We canned enough for 7 apple pies! I can't wait to try it out, the mixture smelled AMAZING!!!!!!

Interesting!!!!

Today was my first acupuncture appointment. Not so much with the needles, but a consultations to start herbs. It was interesting. It was weird at first because he was asking allot of questions about my cycle and flow when I get my period, and since I have only ever seen female OB/GYN's it was a little awkward, but not horrible. He gathered allot of information and asked allot of questions that made me think.

I will start seeing him once a week and hopefully start my herbal remedy tomorrow. He is also going to try and help me with my headaches, mood swings and lower back/sciatic pain. We will see. Hopefully in a few weeks (if we haven't gotten out BFP) I will begin with the needle portion!

Busy

Today has been a great, busy day. We were able to close the pool.....boo....that just reminds me that summer is over, yet again.

Also decorated for Halloween. That was fun. Jocelynn had a blast helping me fill the little pumpkin and ghost bags with leaves so we could hang them on the maple and apple tree in the front and side yard. Of course, we would rake the leaves in a pile to make filling the bags easier and she would run through the leaves yelling, "ha ha, I run through your pile!" It was very cute. below is the picture of the front yard after we were done. We haven't raked the leaves because personally I like them there and I refuse to rake until all the leaves have fallen.


Also the leaves on the trees are amazing. Below is the trees in the front yard and a close up of a tree in the side yard.



When Jocelynn wasn't running through the leaves she was playing with Spanky with his ball. Running and laughing. I so do enjoy these days.

Also Jocelynn helped Grammie plant about 5 dozen tulip bulbs. She was so cute and wanted to be the one to place each and every bulb in the ground. Next spring will be fun, watching for the first signs of life after a cold, baron winter.


So it was a busy day today, but we took full advantage of the unseasonably warm weather.

The Journal...

SO I decided that now is just as good a time as any. Below are the journal entries from when I was pregnant with Jocelynn. The date of the entry will be before the entry......

The Wait -- 11/16/2004
Notes: It has been a long 3 years trying to get pregnant. Finally after the many months of disappointment we decided to get help. I have been seeing a Fertility Specialist for only 1 month now but all the information has been good. I have been diagnosed with Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome. The link below will give you more information on this syndrome. http://my.webmd.com/hw/womens_conditions/tw9107 The good news is this month because of the stress and pressure to get pregnant is no longer on my shoulders I may be pregnant. I will know on 11/28/04. The Dr, says that my body ovulated and did everything correctly so wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

Still Waiting -- 3/12/2005
Notes: Well, No positive test in the last 3-4 months. In the beginning of my last cycle I began taking hormones. Great news, they worked, just a little to well! I have 2 maturing eggs, possible twins, that is news that is hard to swallow. But, still very happy news for my husband and I. We have the support of both of our families and that is great. As well as both of our places of employment are 100% supportive. I guess it pays to work for small companies. I have another Dr. appointment tomorrow and we will see from there how things go. Everyone reading this please keep us in your prayers. Thank You

We're Expecting! -- 3/18/2005
Notes: After 3 1/2 years my husband and I have the news we have been longing to hear. We are Pregnant!!!!! What joyous news. As much as I wanted to wait a few weeks to spread the news it became increasingly harder until I couldn't do it anymore and ended up calling most of both of our families. It was excitement from everyone. It still hasn't hit what wonderful news this is but I'm sure it will soon! Words can't express how happy we are!!!!!

It Begins -- 4/7/2005
Notes: Well, Spoke to the Dr. today, I had a few concerns about what I should and shouldn't be doing and different things I am feeling. Thank goodness she was very patient and helpful. I have allot of questions and concerns since this is my first pregnancy. I am very excited because I was able to schedule my first ultrasound for April 26, 2005. I'm very excited as I will be hearing the heartbeat(s) for the first time and will know for sure whether or not it is twins, which is another avenue all together. My husband and I could not be any happier. Can't wait until we know whether it is a gal or fella, but that will be in time. Right now I am just getting used to the idea of being pregnant and being able to welcome a or many little ones into the world in December.

Ultrasound -- 4/26/2005

Notes: What a wonderful experience. My Husband and My mother were with me for the ultrasound. We were very happy to find out that it was just one baby and not two. Although twins would have been fun. The Dr. says everything looks great and the baby is right on schedule. It was awesome to not only see the baby but also see and hear the heartbeat. "he" also wiggled during the ultrasound which was very cool. I begin my office visits in two weeks and can't wait to have the next ultrasound in 10-14 weeks (when I'm 18-22 weeks pregnant) This has definitely been a great experience and can't wait until I know a little bit more about this little person growing inside of me.

Heard Heartbeat -- 5/11/2005
Notes: What a wonderful sound. At only ten weeks (which is early) I was able to hear the beautiful heartbeat on the Doppler. It has such a calming effect.

Monthly Checkups -- 6/2/2005
Notes: I can see now. I'm going to have a stubborn child! It was great hearing the heartbeat again, I'm sure it will be great every month. What was unusual was the way the baby reacted to the invasion of his/her space. I was able to hear the heartbeat for about 20 seconds before he/she decided it wasn't comfortable so he moved. The Dr. was able to find the heartbeat again, but after about 20 seconds, he moved again and that was it. It was almost like he was running from the Doppler. She tried for about 10 minutes and he just wouldn't give it up.(sounds like his father) She said not to worry that everything sounded good for what she heard and that the baby already has a mind of it's own...great..lol.

Monthly Checkups -- 6/28/2005
Notes: Things are beginning to get interesting. Although I am only 17 weeks, the doctor says I am measuring 20 weeks. I guess in a way that is good considering I'm loosing weight it still lets me know that the baby is growing. They are sending me for an upper Abdominal ultrasound. I have been having some sharp pains and burning, so the doctor wanted to have an ultrasound to check my gallbladder and other organs. I won't know what was found for a few days. The Baby is doing good and the heartbeat is strong. I can't wait until the 18th of July I have a ultrasound scheduled and hoping we will finally know if its a boy or girl.

It's Going to be a Girl!! -- 7/18/2005
Notes: What a thrill and surprise all in one. It a girl. When I thought for sure I was having a boy. I'm excited either way as long as she is healthy and growing.
Monthly Checkups -- 7/18/2005
Notes: Everything is right on schedule. The baby is in the 54% and growing and moving exactly the way she should be. The Dr. is not concerned with the weight loss as I have gallstones that prevent me from eating fatty or greasy food therefor the healthy eating habits are providing enough nutrition for the baby and allowing my body to get rid of some of the fat stores. She said she would be concerned if the baby wasn't so healthy. Now the fun starts. Planning the nursery and buying fun baby stuff. I can't wait. I think she already has daddy wrapped around her little finger. Good news I passed my sugar test, but I get to do it all over again in 8 weeks.

Monthly Checkups -- 8/15/2005
Notes: Well, the Dr. is a little concerned about my weight loss. Even though I am a larger woman to begin with they don't want to see me loss any more weight. It's funny, the first time in my life a Dr. has looked at me and told me I need to eat more. The good news is that I am only 24 weeks pregnant but I am measuring 26 weeks. So obviously she is still growing. It's nice to finally have the movement going on. It makes everything SOOOOOO real every day.

John (Finally) Felt Her!! -- 8/30/2005
Notes: Finally our stubborn baby girl decided she wanted to show off for her Daddy. We have been trying for weeks to get her to kick for him and she seems to know exactly when his hand is on my belly. She would kick 3-4 times and then instantly stop as soon as his hand got near my belly. Last night I informed him to just barely place his hand on my belly and "wham" 2 seconds later she gave me a wallop, and what perfect timing. Hopefully this is the start of many good wallops although I may change my tune in a couple of weeks when I can't sleep (lol) but until then it's an amazing feeling!

Childbirth Classes -- 9/3/2005
Notes: What an experience. John and I spend the weekend at the hospital for child birth classes. It was an eye opener. Not allot of stuff we didn't know other then the drug options but it definitely made everything a reality. We walked away with a little better understand of what to expect and I think it made John feel a little better prepared.

Monthly Checkups -- 9/13/2005
Notes: Not allot new with this check-up. I'm 28 weeks and measuring 31 so the Dr. has decided to send me for an ultrasound to make sure that she isn't growing to fast. He heart beat is good and very loud! The Dr. thinks we had the Doppler at her back and that is why it seemed to be so loud. I'm feeling really good but seemed to have 'popped' in the last couple of days. My ultrasound is scheduled for 9/15/05 so I will make another entry.

Ultrasound -- 9/15/2005
Notes: She is right on track. 3 pounds 1 ounce. she is in the 64th percentile. Which is perfect. She definitely has an attitude already. She did not appreciate the pressure on my belly. But she did eventually get used to it. She is really moving now and I FEEL EVERY MOVEMENT! It's great most of the time but every once in a while it seems like she does it just to annoy me. LOL I love it anyways. My appointments are now every 2 weeks so I will be adding more frequently!

Monthly Checkups -- 9/27/2005
Notes: Everything is good. This appointment was different then my other because I actually saw a Dr. instead of a midwife. That will not be happening again unless it is necessary. The Dr.'s at the office are great but I miss the 'personal' interaction that you seem to get with a midwife. As long as everything is healthy with the baby I'm happy.

The Nursery -- 9/29/2005
Notes: The nursery is complete! For the most part anyways. The crib, a dresser/changing table, armoire and rocking chair are currently sitting in this beautifully decorated room waiting for the arrival of the bundle of joy. John and I decided to decorate the room in 'Gossamer's Wings' which we purchased at Babies'R'Us and the border we placed in the middle of the room, the top half was painted yellow and the bottom a green. Pictures will be added shortly. I've washed, folded and organized the hand me down clothes and what few new clothes have been purchased. I can feel myself starting the 'nesting' stage. I'm always doing something in her room, even if it is just reorganizing the already organized dresser and armiore. My husband just chuckles at me.

Work Baby Shower -- 10/10/2005
Notes: What a surprise. Here I thought I was staying late at work to help my boss organize and find some papers and low and behold it was a SURPRISE for me. It was great! Jocelynn received all her grooming supplies and bath supplies, diapers and wipes, blankets, her monitor, crib tent, rattles, dishes, ornaments and even a basket of stuff for me to pamper myself with. It was really a surprise and I can't believe they pulled it off. LOL.

Bi-Weekly Checkups -- 10/13/2005
Notes: Finally, John was able to attend a regular appointment. She is great. Head down and gaining and sounding wonderful. I'm feeling the effects of being pregnant. Aches and pains but I'm trying to enjoy all of it.


Unfortunately that is where I left off. I can say that her EDD was 12/4/2005 and she mad her grand entrance on 12/12/2005 at 1:58am after 82 hours of labor.

Whatever it takes...

John has been seeing the acupuncturist for a few weeks now, and we have decided it is my turn. My first appointment is Monday at 3pm (est). I am a little nervous, but I know it is one step closer to getting a BFP!!!

I have finally overcome the heartache of last month. Hope and excitement are wonderful until you have to come crashing down. It was a HUGH roller coaster of emotion with some serious ups and downs! But I have moved on and I am actually looking forward to this cycle!!!!!

On other news, I found the online pregnancy journal I kept with Jocelynn.....I will be transferring the written entries to here soon. It brought tears to my eyes, because I relived all of the happiness and excitement all over again!!! Hopefully I will do the same thing with the next pregnancy!!!!

I love this time of year!!!!!

Fairy Princess!!!! 2008

She is so cute in her Halloween costume!She loves to dress up! I am very excited about this year since she will be trick or treating for the first time! (2006 she was too young, we went to family, 2007 she was sick as a dog for trick or treat night) So as long as things go good this year we will be visiting family and the neighbors! Just enough to let her have fun!!!!!

Below are her last 2 costumes!!!!!

Kangaroo 2007 (The tail and baby kangaroo in the pouch was too cute!!!)

Chicken 2006

The results are in......

So the Qualitative blood test was negative. WTF!!!! Why does my body and mother nature HATE me. I think it was a chemical pregnancy, but without a true BETA, I will never know. All I DO know is that I am NEVER late and I did ovulate this month.

The good news is the witch didn't take long to show....I was spotting this morning and now it is full force! So cd1 today and on to next month....... *gaah*

Waiting......

So here I am in a crazy waiting period......I went this morning for a BETA. I am going on 3 days 'over due'. Which to most people isn't a lot, but I am one of the lucky who have a regular, almost to the hour, cycle. Having PCOS, this is one thing I treasure! So being 3 days 'overdue' is a HUGH thing. I have POAS twice and both time BFN.....but, I was 4.5 months pregnant with my DD and POAS and even that was negative! I think I am one of the rare few who don't secrete HCG in my urine....*gaah* of course I wouldn't!! So tomorrow I will know for sure one way or another!!!

With all this going on I have realized why I was 'blessed' with infertility, if I could look at John and get pregnant I wouldn't know until I was in labor because I can't poas.....LMAO!!!!

I have decided that I need...lol...to work on a home beta test....lol. Kinda like the diabetic testing machines, but it will test for hcg. I truely wonder how hard that would be....LOL

On the other hand, John hoch his breathe because of the gunk in his chest. He does bring some of it up, but not enough to stay ahead. He has been on antibiotics for 2 weeks now! So I called the Dr. for him and he will be going back to be checked out today. I know he is feeling like shit when he wakes up and asked "how early does the office open?"

Please pray for us! I hope this ttc journey will finally have the outcome I wanted and that John finally starts feeling better!!!

I'm seeing a trend.....

......that is, month after month after month it is always the same......BFN. Why, by now, should I expect anything else? AF is due tomorrow and I really hope by some fluke, she will stay away for.....I don't know.....the next 9 MONTHS!!!! Thanks to my 'sisters' for trying to help me stay positive....I guess only time will tell.....again with the waiting *gaah* If AF isn't here by Monday/Tuesday I will call the Dr.

On to other news.....just tired of having a pity party!!!!

It was a day for just Jocelynn and I to spend together.....I really look forward to these days, and today it was much needed. She must have sensed something because I lost count of how many time she came to me, out of the blue, and hug me and say "mommy, I love you!" Made me tear up on more then one occasion! It was just what I needed today.

I'm looking forward to my weekend with John and Jocelynn. I am hoping to go check out The Apple Harvest Festival in downtown Dover. Just something to get us out of the house and enjoying the fall weather! I am tired of sitting in the house!!!!

John is feeling better. He called the Dr. at the beginning of the week and was placed on stronger antibiotics. I am afraid he has walking pnemonia. I will be keeping a close eye on him!!!

Life.....

Life has a funny way of happening all around you.

John is still sick, and I am seriously starting to worry. I will give the antibiotics until Thursday to start working or I call the Dr. again. It has moved from his nose to his chest and I'm not playing around with that shit.

Other then life we have just been going day to day. I'm trying not to freak out since I only have 4 more days until testing!!!!! I kinda know in the back of my mind and in my heart that it will be a BFN. I have NO symptoms....not even the fake ones that my body likes to trick me with. But, never the less, I need to POAS just to make sure!!!!!

Jocelynn has been so busy lately. My Mom taught her the Hokey Pokey, so she has been running around singing that all week. Also just dancing up a storm. She can't hear music without wiggling her little bottom. It is the cutest thing. Every day she amazes me with something she does or says. She really is turning into an adorable little girl with a personality most would die for....LOL (but I may be a bit partial....lol) He latest is saying WOOHOO after something that she is interested in doing. For instant at dinner I will say "dinner's ready." and she will Woohoo all the way to the table....LOL Also I have started having to give her choices on items. Such as what to wear, drink, or eat for lunch. If I say "Jocelynn come here so we can get dressed". She will look at the outfit and say "Mommy, I don't love it!" WHAT? *shock* But if she is given the choice between 2 outfits she is happy. Also I have started letting her choose her own hair piece. It makes brushing and fixing her hair much easier.

I am having a hard time letting her make some of these choices. I don't want to admit that she is growing up and able to make these choices on her own. I don't want to let my baby go...LOL....I know I am crazy. At the same time she is so much fun and bring so much joy to my life! I sometimes sit at night, watching her, and wonder what we ever did for 'entertainment' before she was born...LOL Now if only we could be blessed with another child!

And then I feel guilty for being so upset that I am having trouble with #2. So many of my wonderful girlfriends are struggling with #1. I would give up my chance of #2 for them to be able to have their first. They all deserve it soooooo much and I know that all of them will be blessed at some point and will be WONDERFUL mothers! They have been there for me in more ways then they will ever know and I don't know were i would be without them! Love you Ladies!!!!!!!!

Sick again!!!

Well, it has been almost 2 weeks. As you can imagine we have been busy and SICK....again! Saturday night we went to the Rochester Fair. Jocelynn had a great time, but all hell broke loose on Sunday. Jocelynn woke up with a temp of 102.4, which would come and go all day depending on if she was due for Tylenol or not. John has a Sinus/virus/infection thing going on (he hasn't been to work for the past 2 days). He went to the Dr. today and they put him on antibiotic and gave him a new allergy med, Clarinex, he had been taking Allegra but that gives him backaches so severe that he sometimes has a problem sleeping. Also the Acupuncturist told him in order to treat the back pain, she recommended he stop the Allegra and as soon as he stopped the pain went away.

I have not been feeling as bad as John and Jocelynn, but I am not 100%. Sneezing, stuffy nose, watery eyes, and a cough. I would have thought that it was just allergies, but I have been taking Claritin all week and it isn't helping. Today is the best day since Saturday. Jocelynn is not running a temp any longer, but she is still not 100% either. Dealing with a cough, runny nose and sneezing. Hopefully by the end of the week we will all be MUCH better!

On the TTC front, I am in the 2ww. Funny thing is I seem to not be as obsessive as usual. I believe the being sick and taking care of a sick child may be the thing that took my mind off of it all. Thankfully, John didn't get sick until after I ovulated! Timing this month was PERFECT......at least I think. It was nice to finally have my sex drive back! It had been missing for sooooo many months...LOL Testing is in 11 days....I am going to try and hold out, depends on how I am feeling. Wish us luck!!!!!!

Ramblings......

Thursday John had his 3rd acupuncture appointment. It went well. He will be going twice a week for a couple of weeks (Tuesdays and Thursdays). I will only update about them is anything new happens.

This week has been pretty good. FINALLY the computer seems to be fixed....MAN I HATE VISTA!!!! If I had my way we would have bought a Mac, but no John wanted a PC....Now he says he wished he had listened to me.....LOL...man I love when I am right!

Did some canning this week. Made applesauce and canned it and also processed two pumpkins (aka Muk muks) and placed them in the freezer in 2 cup measurements.....i think I will be all set for the holidays. I now have enough Zucchini for about 8-10 loafs of bread, enough pumpkin for 8 breads or 4 pies and 3 large jars of applesauce. We are thinking about going to Butternut Farm and picking some more apples. I would live to make apple pie filling and can it. I am praying that all this canning and freezing will make the holidays easier. I plan on doing a TON of baking this year since I will be home. I LOVE to bake!!!!!!

I have also started a list of 'supplies' for Thanksgiving. Because of the price of groceries, I am trying to pick up the items I can in advance....one or two each week. We will see how that goes.....just can't stand the price of groceries anymore. Makes me want to move out to no mans land and start a farm......raise and grow EVERYTHING myself. Who am I kidding....I don;t want to have to do that much work....LOL

On a side note! Welcome Jackson Robert!!!! He was born yesterday to a friend!!!!

Now I can't wait to meet Braydon and Charlotte, anytime now!!!!!! I am not so patiently waiting....LOL. And Derek in a few weeks!!!!!!!!!!

2nd acupuncture appointment!!!

The appointment when good! different placemement of the needles ~ weird places if you ask me ~ but I trust the know what they are doing! He purchased another powder to mix with water. This one is far worse then the other one, but he is taking them like a trooper, faithfully every night. Man I really love him for going through all this just to help us have another child!
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Jocelynn has been a completely different child the last 2.5 days. Minding much better and her attitude has calmed a bit. I guess taking the calmer approach is working. Let see how it continues.....I am sure she will have her good and bad days!!!!!!!
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I found out yesterday that my girlfriend is due April 13!!!!!! I am so excited and can't wait to see them again! Hoping they will beable to make the trip in December! Time will tell!!!!!!
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Not much else is going on.......but I seem super busy (I guess watching two 2.5 year olds and a 8 month old will do that! LOL

CD 1 SUCKS!!!!!!!!

The witch decided to make this past month an official bust! GAAH!!!! I am happy that she didn't make me wait and wonder, but it would have been nice to not see her for the next 9 months!!!

I have stayed pretty busy today. John, my Mom and I took Jocelynn apple picking. It was fun and Jocelynn LOVED it! I will be making applesauce and pie filling. Mom and I will be canning it to use this holiday season. Also made some salsa from the tomatoes and green peppers from the garden. Can't wait to try that! It was nice to focus on something else besides my failure as a woman!

This week should be pretty quiet. John starts his 4 day work weeks. So we will have Friday, Saturday and Sunday together as a family. I can't wait. Not sure what we will do, but painting the garage (if the weather holds up) sounds like a good idea. Maybe one Friday we can go to Canobie Lake Park. We haven't been this year and Jocelynn loves the rides ~ we will see!

John has his second acupuncture appointment tomorrow. Hoping all goes well. He says he thinks the herbs the acupuncturist gave him are working....we will see in the next few weeks.

I have been thinking about checking out the town library. Seeing what programs they offer to get Jocey a jump start on reading. She loves books and I think just spending some time looking at book that she doesn't see everyday will keep her entertained. ~ Today was better then the past week. She has been listening much better and curbing her attitude more. Seems I have found a form of discipline and praise that is working (thanks Jody!!!).

On the ttc side, we have decided to not do anything this month. No u/s to check follie growth and no temping. I will still keep my chart, just so I know were I am in my cycle.....but we are trying the 'let's not make it the focus of our life' approach. Praying it will work. I'm just afraid I will be more crazy not knowing. Maybe I can keep busy.

Parenting Frustrations.....

Jocelynn has been very easy to potty train, and I thought we had pretty much succeeded until this week. She has had at least an accident a day.....and usually after she has just sat on the potty. There is rarely a time when I sit her on the potty that she doesn't at least pee, a little, but something. This past week has been very different.

I have also been dealing with a very strong willed and mischief child. Purposely doing things that she has know all along she can't do, mouthing back to me and purposely being mean to Wyatt and Brooke. Also acting like a baby....climbing into my lap and say gaa gaa and goo goo and telling me she is a baby.....I can't figure her out.

I know kids go through a period of jealously when thing in the house change.....but I have been watching Wyatt (my friends 7 month old) since the middle of May...and Jocey is just now acting up about it? I have a feeling she is doing some MAJOR testing and it has about broken me. Her attitude alone rivals a 16 year old.....what the hell am I going to do when she is actually 16?????

I guess for now just staying consistent and not letting her get away with things is what will work....I just feel like I am constantly on her about something.

For example a typical day consists of beginning our day with a battle about getting dressed....she would stay in her PJ's if I let her. Then I am on her to eat breakfast...she is mot a breakfast person and usually only eats a banana or yogurt. Then if Brooke comes over (My niece who is 3 weeks older then Jocey) it is usually breaking up there fights.....I don't break every one up, because they need to handle conflict on there on, but to tell you the truth, Jocey can be a bully! I do have the 'once in a blue moon' days when they don't fight......and if Wyatt is here, I am constantly asking her to leave him alone...she is a mother hen and is always 'picking' at him. Then a battle over lunch....usually because she likes the meat and cheese in her sandwich but not the bread. Then nap time, easily 1 to 2 hours to get her to fall asleep....I just don't want to admit she is probably ready for no nap.....but when she doesn't sleep, she is a bear at night. After her nap and supper are pretty easy because John is home.....when he speaks, she jumps,,,,WTF!!! Bath time is not so bad except she fights me when I wash her hair.....and bed time is the easiest. She gives kisses and goes to bed with out a fight.

WOW.....My child is out of control now that I write it all out. Please don't get me wrong, Jocelynn is a great daughter...just extremely trying....I think I am seeing now why we haven't been able to have anymore.....maybe a blessing in disguise at this point.

But, then you take last night...we went out to dinner, and to the mall and iParty (started shopping for her b-day party and Christmas) and you couldn't have asked for a better behaved child. I don't know...just venting. Hopefully as she approaches her B-day things maybe will get better....one can only hope....LOL

Please don't get me wrong....I love her and she is a blessing to me everyday....but also frustrating to no end! I still would not trade her for ANYTHING in this world!!!! She is MY world!

LIFE

OK....so yesterday was John's first Acupuncture appointment. He said everything went well, didn't elaborate much (you know how men are). What surprised me was the fact that they only places about 2 dozen needles in his ankles, wrists and neck.....I would have expected much more! They did say that the next appointment (Monday 9/8) would be much more. They also placed him on Fish oil supplements and gave him a powdered mixture to help his immune system. We will see. I am trying to be optimistic without placing all my chickens in a row (if you know what I mean).

On to other news....I decided to test this morning since I am 13DPO.......I was not surprised when it came back BFN....glaringly WHITE!!!! In the back of my mind I am hoping that it is to early, but truthfully I know better. I am surprised that I am not as upset this month as I have been in last months....guess I am just used to the disappointment. I'm sure I will have my melt down when AF shows....I always do....but then I will get up and dust myself off and start the next cycle....at least until mentally I can't handle the TTC anymore....and I have a feeling that is getting closer then I want to admit.

Frustrated and Selfish

So I have been in a weird funk for the last couple of weeks and figured the only way to get over it is to write it all down.

Pity Parties ~ I am so tired of saying why her and not me. I thought I had finally gotten over all that, but every time I turn around I see a damn pregnant belly, a newborn, or see an ultrasound picture. I know I am truly happy for all my friends who are expecting, but secretly I am dying inside for myself. Why ~ I claim to be following the path that is laid out for me by God, but I have been having trouble keeping the faith. All I want to say is why? What did I do? Please whatever it is tell me so maybe I can change it. All the while knowing that my faultering faith is what needs to be fixed! I feel lost and not sure how to find my way back.

Trying to focus on what I have and not what I want ~ These last few weeks I have been putting all my energy and attention into enjoying the miracle we have. Jocelynn lights up my life in more ways then I can even say. She and John are my world and I would be completely lost with out either of them. Deep, deep, deep in my heart I will never be truly happy until I can give my husband the children, particularly the son he deserves. I have put a tremendous pressure on myself. John is the last of his name for his family. He is the youngest of 5 (the other 4 are all sisters). and his uncle had only girls. On top of that he is named after his father and grandfather and is the third. Not once has he EVER put pressure on me, he has said numerous times that he would be completely happy being the father of only girls. But at last I am a failure as a woman. I am afraid he will be the father of only 1 daughter. I pray every night that I have the strength to fallow the path God has laid out for us, but I know deep down that if I am ever told I will never have any more children it would kill me!

Does my husband truly love me? ~ I ask myself this every day, and I know the answer, but I always have doubt. Not because he has given me any reason to doubt....it is all my doing. How can a woman who isn't truly a woman because she doesn't have a body that works like a woman, ever expect to be loved? Why can't I just be satisfied knowing that I am the one he wants? I guess it all comes down to my parents separation.....so cliche....but true. My idea of marriage was based on theirs.....I mean when John and I were married, they had been married for 23 years.....how can something fall so hard and fast in 5 years? I know John isn't my father, but I see a lot of our relationship in what my parents had when I was younger. So I am scared to death, and I should be but again, my imagination and fears seem to rule my every day. CAN THEY PLEASE STOP!!!!

So as you see, if you have been feeling like I am avoiding you, bitchy or overall just not interested....please know it is not you it is me.....I have been trying to put on my smile face, and hide the pain and agony I feel, but that is getting harder and harder to do. Man I wish my CO sisters lived closer....I could use a girls night out with all of you!!!!!!

Sick as HELL!!!!!

ok ~ The last 3 days have been hell. Started off Wednesday evening with a sore throat....ok, I can handle a little sore throat.

Then Thursday came........First off, I was up from 11pm until 4am with Jocey.....she would fall asleep for about 20-30 minutes and then cry out....sometime say ouch, but for the most part just crying. I finally did get about 3 hours of sleep from 4am until 7am....that's when the shit hit the fan. Puking, vomiting and overall feeling crappy: headache, stuffy/runny nose and a fever. Jocelynn felt just about as good. We spent the morning on the couch dozing. At 11:30 I gave jocey lunch, saltine crackers, and put her in bed for a nap.....she slept 4.5 hours.....*SHOCK*.....when she woke, she was feeling much better and even got down off the sofa to play with her toys.......still not herself. I as well was feeling much better after my lunch and dinner of saltine crackers and ginger ale.

Friday has been better, Jocey is complaining that her mouth hurts.....hope it isn't those damn sores coming back...but she is pretty much back to her self....this evening she has been waking up complaining of her mouth. I am feeling almost 100%.....aside from a little stuffy nose....you wouldn't have ever known I was sick. Thank Goodness for short illnesses.


To top all of that off, John has been working some CRAZY long hours this week....22.5 hours of OVERTIME!!!! Yay money, but my poor husband is beyond beat! I am glad we have a 3 day weekend...we do need the time together...and tomorrow night, Mom is taking Jocey with her to my Aunt's for the night, so it will be just John and I......of course all we will probably do is play Wii or watch a movie......see how exciting life becomes after you get married and have a child. Maybe I will convince him to take me out....but I doubt it :(


So that is about all that has been happening for the last few days, Next week will be exciting....test week! and John;s first acupuncture appointment!!!! Thinking of testing around Thursday....I will be 13 DPO (Days past Ovulation) but 4 days before AF is due.....I don't know....seems strange to not have the Dr. telling me when to come in for a test.....Maybe this will be our miracle month and we won't have to shell out ANY more MONEY!!!!!!! Wish us luck and I will keep you all posted!!!!!

TTC Update

ok....it has been a few days....first off the damn computer got a virus and my wonderful husband spent 2 days fixing it! I am so glad he knows a thing or two about computers. second...John got a Wii for his birthday and we have been spending time playing that....nothing like a little healthy competition.....LOL I think I have lost 30 pound just these past 4 days....LMAO

Ok...on to TTC stuff. As many of you know John and I have decided to take a medication break for the mext 3-6 months and try acupuncture. John's first appointment is 9/3/08. I am very excited and hopw this is a giant leap towards a BFP for us.

Thursday the 21st I went for an u/s to check follie growth. YAY!!!!!!! there was one, which was all I expected not being on any medication, and it was over 21. Which is mature. So waiting for ovulation was hell, but between the remp drop and ovulation pain over the last few days, I believe it happened. I will be going in this Thursday (8/28) for bloodwork to see if in fact I did ovulate!

I just can't believe after all these months on spending money on medication, my body decides to work.....WTF....LOL I am not going to knock it, just ride the ride as long as I can....LOL

We figure, in the next 2-3 months I will start acupuncture, but because my body is 'working' let get John's count up and see if that helps at all! I hope to reporting a nice BFP in the next few months!!!!!! Keep your fingers crossed and our names on your prayer list!!!!!

Wii would like to play!!!!!!!

OK.....so John was able to find a Nintendo Wii, He wanted one for his birthday! We spent many hours playing Julio and Jody's in Delaware and now we have one!!! It is SOOOOOOOO much FUN! It is a video game but gets you up off your arse and moving. My arm and buttocks are killing me from playing it tonight!!!! Think I will be spend less and less time on the computer now.....LMAO!!!!!

We are home!!!!!!!

We are Home!!!!! It was a wonderful trip! We are so tired but happy we made the trip. The entire weekend went pretty much as stated in my previous post!

All I have to say is if anyone has a chance to see Jeff Dunham live.....BUY THE DAMN TICKETS! My sides still hurt from laughing so hard! ( http://www.jeffdunham.com/ )

Also, finally Angie and I were able to meet! What a wonderful evening, sitting on her porch, chatting about any and everything!

I'm pretty exhausted and just want to stay in bed for the next week, but I will get through it!!! I will post pictures of the weekend on myspace and facebook!!!!!!

PS ~ HAPPY 31st BIRTHDAY to my wonderful husband John!!!!!!!!!

A Little Trip

So, we are headed out of town. Going to Delaware to visit the in-laws and friends. It should be a great trip, busy but enjoyable! Here is a little sneak peek at the schedule for the next 4 days.....

Wednesday 8/13/2008: Leave for DE when John gets home around 4pm ~ It's a 7-8 hour drive

Thursday 8/14/2008: The morning will be pretty relaxing, sleeping in and then dinner with John's grandfather for their birthdays.

Friday 8/15/2008: Again, it should be a semi relaxing morning, John will be going out to lunch with his grandfather. I will be meeting up with one of my friends from CO, Angie. Very excited to be meeting her and relaxing and having a nice chat.

Saturday 8/16/2008: Our nephew, Joe's, graduation party and then we will be leaving for Atlantic City New Jersey to see Jeff Dunham!!!! I am super excited about that. We will be going with Julio and Jody. The show starts at 8pm so it will be a late night!

Sunday 8/17/2008: We will again be spending the day will Julio and Jody. Going to Dutch Wonderland so Jocey and Gabby (Julio and Jody's daughter) can ride the rides and play. Sheould be a very tiring day after the previous night.

We are not sure if we will be leaving late Sunday evening or early Monday morning. Either way we will be home Monday. Let's hope this trip goes as well as I expect it to! See you all when I get back!

Jocelynn's Success!!!!!

ok.....so for the last 2-3 months, I have been in the process of potty training! It has been an interesting journey, both frustrating and rewarding!

Jocey picked up peeing on the potty with ease. She had started asking to go on the potty around Christmas when her 4 year old cousin Gabby was visiting and of course using the potty. So John and I decided to buy a potty seat and go from there. At first we didn't push, if she asked we would put her on the potty but we never pushed the issue. But, when she sis have the timing right during that time, we would praise and be overly excited for her. We did that until May of this past year. decided that it would be a good time to start 'pushing' (I use that lightly) her to go pee on the potty. I knew #2 would be much harder because she always did that during her nap in her sleep. But I figured, lets climb over one hurdle at a time!

The beginning of June, when I became a stay at home Mom, I decided that it was time to do this, after all I had the time! So I started setting a timer for every hour and when the timer went off we would sit on the potty for about 5 minutes (she really wouldn't sit any longer). On occasion, she would surprise me with a #2, and I would get excited with her, but I just wanted her to go pee. Finally after about 2 weeks, she began telling me when she had to pee, so I stopped the timer and allowed her to be in charge. We had our accidents....but nothing like I thought there would be.

About the middle of July we started with the big panties, she loved that idea, of course the few accidents she had meant more clean-up for me, but luckily we have no carpets in the living room! Finally we made it a week towards the end of July with NO accidents, Jocey was able to pick out her own big girl panties to buy, we ended up with Dora...LOL. Every morning she gets to pick out the ones she is going to wear for the day.

Big news , just last week, Jocey started going #2 in the potty. Here we are a week later and I think she has pooped in her pants just 1 time!!!!! I am so proud and amazed that she has picked this all up so quickly!

Well, I still have on more hurdle. Getting her to stay dry through nap and bedtime. I still put a diaper on her for sleeping, but I have noticed that her diaper after a nap seems to be less 'full' so maybe we will be working towards that again soon! I know in the back of my mind that this will take time and I really am not n a hurry for this...I am just happy to be using 2 diapers a day instead of the 4-8 I was using!

YAY JOCELYNN!!!!

Next Cycle...here we go!!!!!

So, than goodness AF didn't take her sweet time this month....in fact she is right on schedule.....YAY for having a regular cycle!!!

SO As stated in the previous post, I will be taking a medication break while John and I start acupuncture. Actually, John will be starting to help with his low count while I start the herbs. We decided that to be the plan since acupuncture is $60 a visit and Adam (the acupuncture guy) would like John to go twice a week and myself once a week....that would be $180 a week! Can't swing that since we are living off of one income. Plus, my body is actually working as if I didn't have PCOS. So in that aspect....so far I am 'normal'......LOL

I will be going to the RE mid cycle for the u/s to check my follie grow. I will not be taking ANY medication......not even the FSH to help me ovulate.....I just pray that is I have a beautiful follie, then my body does what it is supposed to do!

BFN

Surprise, surprise!!!! I decided to take a hpt this morning....BFN.... So now it is just waiting for AF to show her ugly face!
Our plan is to take a medication break and start acupuncture. Tired of popping pills or injecting myself in the belly nightly. We will still work closely with the RE and have the mid cycle u/s to check follie growth....but that is it!

On a side note, One of my very good friends found out today that she is expecting!!!!!! I am so happy for them!!!! I get to be an Auntie again!!!!

So today I am tired of throwing a pity party and want to move on with this next cycle!!!! Let's hope I can stop these pity parties SOON!!!!!

Journeys......how many...lol

Ok so in my journey of TTC, I have also decided that I need to begin a weight loss journey........

SO I started in December of 2007, when I realized I was at the heaviest had ever been! Did really good from the end of December until April, and lost 20 pounds!!!!, and then I hit the wall! May, June and July I became lazy! I became a stay at home mom and was enjoying the time with my daughter!

Here we are in August, and when the month started I decided it was time to do something about this excess weight!

Well, here I am one week later with success!!!! 4.5 pounds lost!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!

So on to the next week, what motivator!!!!

Needles for Baby!!!!

So today was our appointment.. It was GREAT! We were able to have all our questions answered and a lot of information learned.

He was very positive about my chances and very enthusiastic about getting started.

So tomorrow I call the insurance company to find out if they will cover my visits......doesn;t really matter at this point because we have decided to start after our trip next weekend to see the in-laws. The funny thing is if we have to pay out of pocket it will be $60 a visit (about once a week) and wit insurance it will be $40 a visit (because I believe it will be considered a specialist) plus $25 a week for the herbs.

And if we decide to have John start treatment he wil be going twice a week....LOL

He also recommended that we wait to do the clomid challenge. Let him treat me for 3-6 month and then, if we haven't had any success, do the clomid. I agreed with him, mostly because I am sick of popping pills or injecting myself nightly, so I am willing to try anything else. Especially if it will help with my mood swings and increase my sex drive!

So wish us luck and I am hoping that we will get our BFP in the next few months!

Come on...I need a break!

So today's appointment was a bust! We showed up ate the right time.....just the wrong place! WTF. Apparently he hasn't been at the office closest to my house for the last 2 months. When I called to make the appointment I told him it was great that he was in Somersworth, because that was 10 minutes from my house. NEVER did he say anything about not being in that office anymore, and I had just made the call last week!

Even the brochure that I got the number from has the somersworth office listed....GAAH.

So we rescheduled for Thursday 8/7/08. At the Portsmouth office (which is about 30 minutes from my house. Still not bad but not as convenient!) Lets hope that appointment goes better. I'm starting to think the forces of nature are against me! I mean really......don't I go through enough as it is?

Wish us luck!

Accupuncture!

So I finally did it. We have an appointment with the acupuncturist for a consultation on Tuesday 8/5/2008. I am excited and nervous at the same time! I am at the point were traditional medicine is not working for me......I will and need to try something else, ANYTHING else!

John will be going with me which is a hugh step for him. He is severely afraid of needles.....to the point of passing out when he has to have blood work done....poor guy. The other night when we were discussing acupuncture, he said if it would help, he would do it as well.... *shocked*

I love my husband more and more every day For the first time in the last 20 months, I felt like he was going through all of this with me and wants another child jut as much as I do!

A Fantastic Day!!!!

Ok....so today started off late! Jocelynn, John and I slept until 8:30 am *shock*. It was nice and strange all at the same time...LOL

So once we were up and had eaten breakfast we decided that we were going to do something as a family....what better family activity then Mini Golf!!!! This was Jocey's first time and she was GREAT!!! The first half of the course she was excited about everything that was going on, from learning how to play, the different holes, and especially the waterfall and big 'pond' in the middle of the course. After that became old news, she really focused on playing (as much as a 2 1/2 year old can) and did a great job and had holding the golf club and hitting the ball down pat (maybe the next Tiger Woods....LOL).

So after out 18 holes, we went inside and they have a smallish arcade. Man did she have fun there, from skee ball to the coin drop games, she was so cute. Skee ball was her favorite and man, when she put her mind to it those balls would fly....literly....into the next lane...LOL...oops!

She managed to get 515 tickets to 'buy' something at the toy counter. She decided on a stuffed soccer ball (it has the bean bag fluffs in it) and a stuffed pig....LOL She loves her stuffed animals and objects.....Like mother like daughter!

We get home and Dad shows up, him and my Mom want to take Jocelynn and Brooke to the Stratham Fair. No problem with me. They never get home until 9:45PM....and Jocelynn was still going and telling me all about the rides and food and her ducky 'tattoo'. (A painted picture of a duck on her arm....LOL). She was so cute and had such a fun day....She is now sleeping...she crashed hard once she was laying in bed...poor baby girl!

While Jocelynn was with my Mom and Dad, John and I decide that it is the perfect chance for us to have some much needed couple time! We went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.....Texas Roadhouse....YUMMY!!!!! Then we went to the Bookstore, Petco and A.C. Moore...LOL...what an exciting date...LOL! But at least we were together!!!! Time for bed soon and I think I will be sleeping good tonight!