Saturday, May 29, 2010

Better....

I am feeling a little better. Things are always rough for me on the first couple of days of a new cycle. Between the hormones and the disappointment it is sometime a little overwhelming to me and I sink into a hole.

I am better now, I am ready for the new cycle. I am starting 2 herbal meds, and fertility supplement and a PMS helper. John has also started a new med. John recently had some more blood-work and the result were that John's testosterone has tanked again. So the Dr. added another med to his regiment. 1/2 tab of Clomid a day. We will know in a few weeks if this new med (along with the other med) will work.

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On a happier note, we were able to use the pool for the first (and second) time this week! The weather was wonderful and Jocelynn had a blast in the pool!
Happy Belated Birthday to my brother Cory! Enjoy this year, it is the last in your 20's!!!!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Tired of this game.

Onto another cycle, cycle 44 to be exact......WTH! After being a week late the witch shows up! Why can't this be easier? What am I supposed to get out of this journey besides heartache and frustration. Why can't I get pregnant like every other woman I know....is it because I'm married, I love my husband and we are good people? Maybe I need to be the unmarried crack whore down the street who has 4 children each with a different daddy, who doesn't appreciate the gifts she has been given, who can't take care of her children without soaking the state and any family she has of money. WHY?!?!?! can't this just be easier! WHY?!?!

I understand I am blessed. I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who are my world, but I want more. More children that is! I want to feel like a woman, not a broken failure who rides this damn emotional rollercoaster every month. Who rants about what she doesn't have when I know I should look at what I have and not what I don't.....how do you do that? How do you tell the voices to shut up when they chant....."broken failure of a woman, not worthy to have more kids, you suck as a parent to the one you have?"

Thank God for my husband and a few friends, some of who do not understand what I am going through, but are always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. Who in there own way say exactly what I need to hear, even if I don't want to hear it!

I am just tired of it all! Tired of living my life 2 weeks at a time. Tired of wondering what every little feeling in my body means. Tired of checking every time I use the bathroom. Tired of wondering if this will be the month Tired of riding this damn emotional roller coaster! Just. Tired!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Always find a little ray of sunshine.....

This past weekend was the best! We ended up spending the day at Fort Foster! It was beautiful! It started out a little chilly and windy, but by noon it was warm and sunny! We were able to fly a kite, blow bubbles and Jocelynn and I even put our feet in the ocean....it was freezing!
Flying the Kite....All the string was out!

Mommy and Jocelynn

The hillside covered with bubbles!


Last night We helped Grammie in the garden. Jocelynn really enjoys being out there and getting her hands dirty...lol
Moving the Mulch for Grammie! Anything to drive her car

Ready with her gloves on!

Other then that life is the same thing day after day! I thank GOD everyday that I wake up for what I have been blessed with!
Just last night, Jocelynn wrapped her arms around me and said "you are the best Mommy in the world!" I thought I was going to cry, it was the sweetest thing and exactly what I needed to hear at that moment!


A Belated Happy Anniversary to our best friends, Julio and Jody!

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