Sunday, August 31, 2008

Frustrated and Selfish

So I have been in a weird funk for the last couple of weeks and figured the only way to get over it is to write it all down.

Pity Parties ~ I am so tired of saying why her and not me. I thought I had finally gotten over all that, but every time I turn around I see a damn pregnant belly, a newborn, or see an ultrasound picture. I know I am truly happy for all my friends who are expecting, but secretly I am dying inside for myself. Why ~ I claim to be following the path that is laid out for me by God, but I have been having trouble keeping the faith. All I want to say is why? What did I do? Please whatever it is tell me so maybe I can change it. All the while knowing that my faultering faith is what needs to be fixed! I feel lost and not sure how to find my way back.

Trying to focus on what I have and not what I want ~ These last few weeks I have been putting all my energy and attention into enjoying the miracle we have. Jocelynn lights up my life in more ways then I can even say. She and John are my world and I would be completely lost with out either of them. Deep, deep, deep in my heart I will never be truly happy until I can give my husband the children, particularly the son he deserves. I have put a tremendous pressure on myself. John is the last of his name for his family. He is the youngest of 5 (the other 4 are all sisters). and his uncle had only girls. On top of that he is named after his father and grandfather and is the third. Not once has he EVER put pressure on me, he has said numerous times that he would be completely happy being the father of only girls. But at last I am a failure as a woman. I am afraid he will be the father of only 1 daughter. I pray every night that I have the strength to fallow the path God has laid out for us, but I know deep down that if I am ever told I will never have any more children it would kill me!

Does my husband truly love me? ~ I ask myself this every day, and I know the answer, but I always have doubt. Not because he has given me any reason to doubt....it is all my doing. How can a woman who isn't truly a woman because she doesn't have a body that works like a woman, ever expect to be loved? Why can't I just be satisfied knowing that I am the one he wants? I guess it all comes down to my parents separation.....so cliche....but true. My idea of marriage was based on theirs.....I mean when John and I were married, they had been married for 23 years.....how can something fall so hard and fast in 5 years? I know John isn't my father, but I see a lot of our relationship in what my parents had when I was younger. So I am scared to death, and I should be but again, my imagination and fears seem to rule my every day. CAN THEY PLEASE STOP!!!!

So as you see, if you have been feeling like I am avoiding you, bitchy or overall just not interested....please know it is not you it is me.....I have been trying to put on my smile face, and hide the pain and agony I feel, but that is getting harder and harder to do. Man I wish my CO sisters lived closer....I could use a girls night out with all of you!!!!!!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Sick as HELL!!!!!

ok ~ The last 3 days have been hell. Started off Wednesday evening with a sore throat....ok, I can handle a little sore throat.

Then Thursday came........First off, I was up from 11pm until 4am with Jocey.....she would fall asleep for about 20-30 minutes and then cry out....sometime say ouch, but for the most part just crying. I finally did get about 3 hours of sleep from 4am until 7am....that's when the shit hit the fan. Puking, vomiting and overall feeling crappy: headache, stuffy/runny nose and a fever. Jocelynn felt just about as good. We spent the morning on the couch dozing. At 11:30 I gave jocey lunch, saltine crackers, and put her in bed for a nap.....she slept 4.5 hours.....*SHOCK*.....when she woke, she was feeling much better and even got down off the sofa to play with her toys.......still not herself. I as well was feeling much better after my lunch and dinner of saltine crackers and ginger ale.

Friday has been better, Jocey is complaining that her mouth hurts.....hope it isn't those damn sores coming back...but she is pretty much back to her self....this evening she has been waking up complaining of her mouth. I am feeling almost 100%.....aside from a little stuffy nose....you wouldn't have ever known I was sick. Thank Goodness for short illnesses.


To top all of that off, John has been working some CRAZY long hours this week....22.5 hours of OVERTIME!!!! Yay money, but my poor husband is beyond beat! I am glad we have a 3 day weekend...we do need the time together...and tomorrow night, Mom is taking Jocey with her to my Aunt's for the night, so it will be just John and I......of course all we will probably do is play Wii or watch a movie......see how exciting life becomes after you get married and have a child. Maybe I will convince him to take me out....but I doubt it :(


So that is about all that has been happening for the last few days, Next week will be exciting....test week! and John;s first acupuncture appointment!!!! Thinking of testing around Thursday....I will be 13 DPO (Days past Ovulation) but 4 days before AF is due.....I don't know....seems strange to not have the Dr. telling me when to come in for a test.....Maybe this will be our miracle month and we won't have to shell out ANY more MONEY!!!!!!! Wish us luck and I will keep you all posted!!!!!

Monday, August 25, 2008

TTC Update

ok....it has been a few days....first off the damn computer got a virus and my wonderful husband spent 2 days fixing it! I am so glad he knows a thing or two about computers. second...John got a Wii for his birthday and we have been spending time playing that....nothing like a little healthy competition.....LOL I think I have lost 30 pound just these past 4 days....LMAO

Ok...on to TTC stuff. As many of you know John and I have decided to take a medication break for the mext 3-6 months and try acupuncture. John's first appointment is 9/3/08. I am very excited and hopw this is a giant leap towards a BFP for us.

Thursday the 21st I went for an u/s to check follie growth. YAY!!!!!!! there was one, which was all I expected not being on any medication, and it was over 21. Which is mature. So waiting for ovulation was hell, but between the remp drop and ovulation pain over the last few days, I believe it happened. I will be going in this Thursday (8/28) for bloodwork to see if in fact I did ovulate!

I just can't believe after all these months on spending money on medication, my body decides to work.....WTF....LOL I am not going to knock it, just ride the ride as long as I can....LOL

We figure, in the next 2-3 months I will start acupuncture, but because my body is 'working' let get John's count up and see if that helps at all! I hope to reporting a nice BFP in the next few months!!!!!! Keep your fingers crossed and our names on your prayer list!!!!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Wii would like to play!!!!!!!

OK.....so John was able to find a Nintendo Wii, He wanted one for his birthday! We spent many hours playing Julio and Jody's in Delaware and now we have one!!! It is SOOOOOOOO much FUN! It is a video game but gets you up off your arse and moving. My arm and buttocks are killing me from playing it tonight!!!! Think I will be spend less and less time on the computer now.....LMAO!!!!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

We are home!!!!!!!

We are Home!!!!! It was a wonderful trip! We are so tired but happy we made the trip. The entire weekend went pretty much as stated in my previous post!

All I have to say is if anyone has a chance to see Jeff Dunham live.....BUY THE DAMN TICKETS! My sides still hurt from laughing so hard! ( http://www.jeffdunham.com/ )

Also, finally Angie and I were able to meet! What a wonderful evening, sitting on her porch, chatting about any and everything!

I'm pretty exhausted and just want to stay in bed for the next week, but I will get through it!!! I will post pictures of the weekend on myspace and facebook!!!!!!

PS ~ HAPPY 31st BIRTHDAY to my wonderful husband John!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

A Little Trip

So, we are headed out of town. Going to Delaware to visit the in-laws and friends. It should be a great trip, busy but enjoyable! Here is a little sneak peek at the schedule for the next 4 days.....

Wednesday 8/13/2008: Leave for DE when John gets home around 4pm ~ It's a 7-8 hour drive

Thursday 8/14/2008: The morning will be pretty relaxing, sleeping in and then dinner with John's grandfather for their birthdays.

Friday 8/15/2008: Again, it should be a semi relaxing morning, John will be going out to lunch with his grandfather. I will be meeting up with one of my friends from CO, Angie. Very excited to be meeting her and relaxing and having a nice chat.

Saturday 8/16/2008: Our nephew, Joe's, graduation party and then we will be leaving for Atlantic City New Jersey to see Jeff Dunham!!!! I am super excited about that. We will be going with Julio and Jody. The show starts at 8pm so it will be a late night!

Sunday 8/17/2008: We will again be spending the day will Julio and Jody. Going to Dutch Wonderland so Jocey and Gabby (Julio and Jody's daughter) can ride the rides and play. Sheould be a very tiring day after the previous night.

We are not sure if we will be leaving late Sunday evening or early Monday morning. Either way we will be home Monday. Let's hope this trip goes as well as I expect it to! See you all when I get back!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Jocelynn's Success!!!!!

ok.....so for the last 2-3 months, I have been in the process of potty training! It has been an interesting journey, both frustrating and rewarding!

Jocey picked up peeing on the potty with ease. She had started asking to go on the potty around Christmas when her 4 year old cousin Gabby was visiting and of course using the potty. So John and I decided to buy a potty seat and go from there. At first we didn't push, if she asked we would put her on the potty but we never pushed the issue. But, when she sis have the timing right during that time, we would praise and be overly excited for her. We did that until May of this past year. decided that it would be a good time to start 'pushing' (I use that lightly) her to go pee on the potty. I knew #2 would be much harder because she always did that during her nap in her sleep. But I figured, lets climb over one hurdle at a time!

The beginning of June, when I became a stay at home Mom, I decided that it was time to do this, after all I had the time! So I started setting a timer for every hour and when the timer went off we would sit on the potty for about 5 minutes (she really wouldn't sit any longer). On occasion, she would surprise me with a #2, and I would get excited with her, but I just wanted her to go pee. Finally after about 2 weeks, she began telling me when she had to pee, so I stopped the timer and allowed her to be in charge. We had our accidents....but nothing like I thought there would be.

About the middle of July we started with the big panties, she loved that idea, of course the few accidents she had meant more clean-up for me, but luckily we have no carpets in the living room! Finally we made it a week towards the end of July with NO accidents, Jocey was able to pick out her own big girl panties to buy, we ended up with Dora...LOL. Every morning she gets to pick out the ones she is going to wear for the day.

Big news , just last week, Jocey started going #2 in the potty. Here we are a week later and I think she has pooped in her pants just 1 time!!!!! I am so proud and amazed that she has picked this all up so quickly!

Well, I still have on more hurdle. Getting her to stay dry through nap and bedtime. I still put a diaper on her for sleeping, but I have noticed that her diaper after a nap seems to be less 'full' so maybe we will be working towards that again soon! I know in the back of my mind that this will take time and I really am not n a hurry for this...I am just happy to be using 2 diapers a day instead of the 4-8 I was using!

YAY JOCELYNN!!!!

Next Cycle...here we go!!!!!

So, than goodness AF didn't take her sweet time this month....in fact she is right on schedule.....YAY for having a regular cycle!!!

SO As stated in the previous post, I will be taking a medication break while John and I start acupuncture. Actually, John will be starting to help with his low count while I start the herbs. We decided that to be the plan since acupuncture is $60 a visit and Adam (the acupuncture guy) would like John to go twice a week and myself once a week....that would be $180 a week! Can't swing that since we are living off of one income. Plus, my body is actually working as if I didn't have PCOS. So in that aspect....so far I am 'normal'......LOL

I will be going to the RE mid cycle for the u/s to check my follie grow. I will not be taking ANY medication......not even the FSH to help me ovulate.....I just pray that is I have a beautiful follie, then my body does what it is supposed to do!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

BFN

Surprise, surprise!!!! I decided to take a hpt this morning....BFN.... So now it is just waiting for AF to show her ugly face!
Our plan is to take a medication break and start acupuncture. Tired of popping pills or injecting myself in the belly nightly. We will still work closely with the RE and have the mid cycle u/s to check follie growth....but that is it!

On a side note, One of my very good friends found out today that she is expecting!!!!!! I am so happy for them!!!! I get to be an Auntie again!!!!

So today I am tired of throwing a pity party and want to move on with this next cycle!!!! Let's hope I can stop these pity parties SOON!!!!!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Journeys......how many...lol

Ok so in my journey of TTC, I have also decided that I need to begin a weight loss journey........

SO I started in December of 2007, when I realized I was at the heaviest had ever been! Did really good from the end of December until April, and lost 20 pounds!!!!, and then I hit the wall! May, June and July I became lazy! I became a stay at home mom and was enjoying the time with my daughter!

Here we are in August, and when the month started I decided it was time to do something about this excess weight!

Well, here I am one week later with success!!!! 4.5 pounds lost!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!

So on to the next week, what motivator!!!!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Needles for Baby!!!!

So today was our appointment.. It was GREAT! We were able to have all our questions answered and a lot of information learned.

He was very positive about my chances and very enthusiastic about getting started.

So tomorrow I call the insurance company to find out if they will cover my visits......doesn;t really matter at this point because we have decided to start after our trip next weekend to see the in-laws. The funny thing is if we have to pay out of pocket it will be $60 a visit (about once a week) and wit insurance it will be $40 a visit (because I believe it will be considered a specialist) plus $25 a week for the herbs.

And if we decide to have John start treatment he wil be going twice a week....LOL

He also recommended that we wait to do the clomid challenge. Let him treat me for 3-6 month and then, if we haven't had any success, do the clomid. I agreed with him, mostly because I am sick of popping pills or injecting myself nightly, so I am willing to try anything else. Especially if it will help with my mood swings and increase my sex drive!

So wish us luck and I am hoping that we will get our BFP in the next few months!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Come on...I need a break!

So today's appointment was a bust! We showed up ate the right time.....just the wrong place! WTF. Apparently he hasn't been at the office closest to my house for the last 2 months. When I called to make the appointment I told him it was great that he was in Somersworth, because that was 10 minutes from my house. NEVER did he say anything about not being in that office anymore, and I had just made the call last week!

Even the brochure that I got the number from has the somersworth office listed....GAAH.

So we rescheduled for Thursday 8/7/08. At the Portsmouth office (which is about 30 minutes from my house. Still not bad but not as convenient!) Lets hope that appointment goes better. I'm starting to think the forces of nature are against me! I mean really......don't I go through enough as it is?

Wish us luck!

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