Sunday, August 31, 2008

Frustrated and Selfish

So I have been in a weird funk for the last couple of weeks and figured the only way to get over it is to write it all down.

Pity Parties ~ I am so tired of saying why her and not me. I thought I had finally gotten over all that, but every time I turn around I see a damn pregnant belly, a newborn, or see an ultrasound picture. I know I am truly happy for all my friends who are expecting, but secretly I am dying inside for myself. Why ~ I claim to be following the path that is laid out for me by God, but I have been having trouble keeping the faith. All I want to say is why? What did I do? Please whatever it is tell me so maybe I can change it. All the while knowing that my faultering faith is what needs to be fixed! I feel lost and not sure how to find my way back.

Trying to focus on what I have and not what I want ~ These last few weeks I have been putting all my energy and attention into enjoying the miracle we have. Jocelynn lights up my life in more ways then I can even say. She and John are my world and I would be completely lost with out either of them. Deep, deep, deep in my heart I will never be truly happy until I can give my husband the children, particularly the son he deserves. I have put a tremendous pressure on myself. John is the last of his name for his family. He is the youngest of 5 (the other 4 are all sisters). and his uncle had only girls. On top of that he is named after his father and grandfather and is the third. Not once has he EVER put pressure on me, he has said numerous times that he would be completely happy being the father of only girls. But at last I am a failure as a woman. I am afraid he will be the father of only 1 daughter. I pray every night that I have the strength to fallow the path God has laid out for us, but I know deep down that if I am ever told I will never have any more children it would kill me!

Does my husband truly love me? ~ I ask myself this every day, and I know the answer, but I always have doubt. Not because he has given me any reason to doubt....it is all my doing. How can a woman who isn't truly a woman because she doesn't have a body that works like a woman, ever expect to be loved? Why can't I just be satisfied knowing that I am the one he wants? I guess it all comes down to my parents separation.....so cliche....but true. My idea of marriage was based on theirs.....I mean when John and I were married, they had been married for 23 years.....how can something fall so hard and fast in 5 years? I know John isn't my father, but I see a lot of our relationship in what my parents had when I was younger. So I am scared to death, and I should be but again, my imagination and fears seem to rule my every day. CAN THEY PLEASE STOP!!!!

So as you see, if you have been feeling like I am avoiding you, bitchy or overall just not interested....please know it is not you it is me.....I have been trying to put on my smile face, and hide the pain and agony I feel, but that is getting harder and harder to do. Man I wish my CO sisters lived closer....I could use a girls night out with all of you!!!!!!

1 comment:

Mindy said...

Just keep in mind that everything you're feeling is completely NORMAL. I know it doesn't feel normal, but it is. There isn't a single infertile among us that hasn't felt exactly as you do. It's not only being angry and hurt that someone else got pregnant first, but it's also normal to have the doubts about your relationship too. I know I sure as hell did!!

What's really odd is that for me some of those feelings haven't gone away. Yes, I feel better about my relationship and even a little tiny bit better about having a broken body. However, I still get mad and bitter at finding out that someone else is pregnant. I still feel myself sneer at pregnant women in the store just because I assume that they had it so easy.

I don't think you're selfish at all. I think you're as frustrated as we all have been at some point in the TTC process. Don't get down on yourself. We know that God is there no matter how we may doubt our faith sometimes. It's so easy to blame ourselves or just need someone or something to blame...it's understandable.

Lots of hugs!
Love,
Mindy

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