Sunday, May 23, 2010

Tired of this game.

Onto another cycle, cycle 44 to be exact......WTH! After being a week late the witch shows up! Why can't this be easier? What am I supposed to get out of this journey besides heartache and frustration. Why can't I get pregnant like every other woman I it because I'm married, I love my husband and we are good people? Maybe I need to be the unmarried crack whore down the street who has 4 children each with a different daddy, who doesn't appreciate the gifts she has been given, who can't take care of her children without soaking the state and any family she has of money. WHY?!?!?! can't this just be easier! WHY?!?!

I understand I am blessed. I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who are my world, but I want more. More children that is! I want to feel like a woman, not a broken failure who rides this damn emotional rollercoaster every month. Who rants about what she doesn't have when I know I should look at what I have and not what I don' do you do that? How do you tell the voices to shut up when they chant....."broken failure of a woman, not worthy to have more kids, you suck as a parent to the one you have?"

Thank God for my husband and a few friends, some of who do not understand what I am going through, but are always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. Who in there own way say exactly what I need to hear, even if I don't want to hear it!

I am just tired of it all! Tired of living my life 2 weeks at a time. Tired of wondering what every little feeling in my body means. Tired of checking every time I use the bathroom. Tired of wondering if this will be the month Tired of riding this damn emotional roller coaster! Just. Tired!

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