Frustrated and Selfish

So I have been in a weird funk for the last couple of weeks and figured the only way to get over it is to write it all down.

Pity Parties ~ I am so tired of saying why her and not me. I thought I had finally gotten over all that, but every time I turn around I see a damn pregnant belly, a newborn, or see an ultrasound picture. I know I am truly happy for all my friends who are expecting, but secretly I am dying inside for myself. Why ~ I claim to be following the path that is laid out for me by God, but I have been having trouble keeping the faith. All I want to say is why? What did I do? Please whatever it is tell me so maybe I can change it. All the while knowing that my faultering faith is what needs to be fixed! I feel lost and not sure how to find my way back.

Trying to focus on what I have and not what I want ~ These last few weeks I have been putting all my energy and attention into enjoying the miracle we have. Jocelynn lights up my life in more ways then I can even say. She and John are my world and I would be completely lost with out either of them. Deep, deep, deep in my heart I will never be truly happy until I can give my husband the children, particularly the son he deserves. I have put a tremendous pressure on myself. John is the last of his name for his family. He is the youngest of 5 (the other 4 are all sisters). and his uncle had only girls. On top of that he is named after his father and grandfather and is the third. Not once has he EVER put pressure on me, he has said numerous times that he would be completely happy being the father of only girls. But at last I am a failure as a woman. I am afraid he will be the father of only 1 daughter. I pray every night that I have the strength to fallow the path God has laid out for us, but I know deep down that if I am ever told I will never have any more children it would kill me!

Does my husband truly love me? ~ I ask myself this every day, and I know the answer, but I always have doubt. Not because he has given me any reason to doubt....it is all my doing. How can a woman who isn't truly a woman because she doesn't have a body that works like a woman, ever expect to be loved? Why can't I just be satisfied knowing that I am the one he wants? I guess it all comes down to my parents separation.....so cliche....but true. My idea of marriage was based on theirs.....I mean when John and I were married, they had been married for 23 years.....how can something fall so hard and fast in 5 years? I know John isn't my father, but I see a lot of our relationship in what my parents had when I was younger. So I am scared to death, and I should be but again, my imagination and fears seem to rule my every day. CAN THEY PLEASE STOP!!!!

So as you see, if you have been feeling like I am avoiding you, bitchy or overall just not interested....please know it is not you it is me.....I have been trying to put on my smile face, and hide the pain and agony I feel, but that is getting harder and harder to do. Man I wish my CO sisters lived closer....I could use a girls night out with all of you!!!!!!

Sick as HELL!!!!!

ok ~ The last 3 days have been hell. Started off Wednesday evening with a sore throat....ok, I can handle a little sore throat.

Then Thursday came........First off, I was up from 11pm until 4am with Jocey.....she would fall asleep for about 20-30 minutes and then cry out....sometime say ouch, but for the most part just crying. I finally did get about 3 hours of sleep from 4am until 7am....that's when the shit hit the fan. Puking, vomiting and overall feeling crappy: headache, stuffy/runny nose and a fever. Jocelynn felt just about as good. We spent the morning on the couch dozing. At 11:30 I gave jocey lunch, saltine crackers, and put her in bed for a nap.....she slept 4.5 hours.....*SHOCK*.....when she woke, she was feeling much better and even got down off the sofa to play with her toys.......still not herself. I as well was feeling much better after my lunch and dinner of saltine crackers and ginger ale.

Friday has been better, Jocey is complaining that her mouth hurts.....hope it isn't those damn sores coming back...but she is pretty much back to her self....this evening she has been waking up complaining of her mouth. I am feeling almost 100%.....aside from a little stuffy nose....you wouldn't have ever known I was sick. Thank Goodness for short illnesses.


To top all of that off, John has been working some CRAZY long hours this week....22.5 hours of OVERTIME!!!! Yay money, but my poor husband is beyond beat! I am glad we have a 3 day weekend...we do need the time together...and tomorrow night, Mom is taking Jocey with her to my Aunt's for the night, so it will be just John and I......of course all we will probably do is play Wii or watch a movie......see how exciting life becomes after you get married and have a child. Maybe I will convince him to take me out....but I doubt it :(


So that is about all that has been happening for the last few days, Next week will be exciting....test week! and John;s first acupuncture appointment!!!! Thinking of testing around Thursday....I will be 13 DPO (Days past Ovulation) but 4 days before AF is due.....I don't know....seems strange to not have the Dr. telling me when to come in for a test.....Maybe this will be our miracle month and we won't have to shell out ANY more MONEY!!!!!!! Wish us luck and I will keep you all posted!!!!!

TTC Update

ok....it has been a few days....first off the damn computer got a virus and my wonderful husband spent 2 days fixing it! I am so glad he knows a thing or two about computers. second...John got a Wii for his birthday and we have been spending time playing that....nothing like a little healthy competition.....LOL I think I have lost 30 pound just these past 4 days....LMAO

Ok...on to TTC stuff. As many of you know John and I have decided to take a medication break for the mext 3-6 months and try acupuncture. John's first appointment is 9/3/08. I am very excited and hopw this is a giant leap towards a BFP for us.

Thursday the 21st I went for an u/s to check follie growth. YAY!!!!!!! there was one, which was all I expected not being on any medication, and it was over 21. Which is mature. So waiting for ovulation was hell, but between the remp drop and ovulation pain over the last few days, I believe it happened. I will be going in this Thursday (8/28) for bloodwork to see if in fact I did ovulate!

I just can't believe after all these months on spending money on medication, my body decides to work.....WTF....LOL I am not going to knock it, just ride the ride as long as I can....LOL

We figure, in the next 2-3 months I will start acupuncture, but because my body is 'working' let get John's count up and see if that helps at all! I hope to reporting a nice BFP in the next few months!!!!!! Keep your fingers crossed and our names on your prayer list!!!!!