Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Spiraling downward............

That is exactly how I am feeling.......how can I not? I feel like God has placed an wall on every path we try and take that will get us to our goal of having another child. I am trying to keep faith and remember that God has a plan for me.......but why can't he just give us a break? I guess i will never know and like other down moments, this too will pass!

You may be asking "what happened?" I received John's s/a results today.......not good. Worse then 2004 when we started the journey. My RE has suggested seeing a male fertility specialist, I didn't even realize there was such a Dr....so i guess that is good news. But I still feel depressed and frustrated and ready to give up......maybe I need to come to the realization that my daughter will be an only child....as much as I hate that thought.....but there isn't much I can do to change that!

I'm not going into the numbers here, but lets just say they are bad! Even though his numbers aren't non existant, and it could still happen, it going to take just short of a miracle.

So now I have even more to think about.....maybe this is Gods way of telling me to go ahead with the weightloss surgery. Maybe this is the nudge I need to stop obsessing about TTC and enjoy life and my beautiful daughter....who I now realize is even more of a miracle!!!!! Who knows, it happened once, it can happen again.

But honestly, if I could take a miracle and give it to some of the many ladies that are still struggling to conceive #1, I would in a heart beat. (even if that meant I would have an only child) I know it sound funny, but I know many of these ladies and they deserve nothing more then to have a child! They are wonderful and I have leaned on them more then once! I don't know how I would have made it through the last 12+ months without them.....I love my CO sisters!

Talking about support, I have wonderful ladies who have also been there for me every month. My Mom, Kristina and Jody have been a rock and seems to know how to just listen when needed and also 'smack' me and bring me back to reality when I need it. I have leaned on them and they have helped me more then I think they even realize.

Then of course there is John, Jocelynn, Jekka and Brooke! Jekka....I love you! Jekka and Brooke, my beautiful nieces who have been there to put a smile on my face when I needed it most! John and Jocelynn who are my rocks and continue to get me through each and every day!

Wow, sound like I'm giving my fairwell speech........NO I am not. Just wanted to let the people who have been there for me know how much they mean to me!

SO now to have a long conversation and allot of praying with John. Not sure what we are going to do, but I know God has a plan and I just need to have faith!

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